How Can I Minimize the Impact of Divorce on My Kids?
"Mom Says/Dad Says," an exclusive Christian parental advice column by Gregory Slayton, former U.S. Ambassador to Bermuda and author of the best-selling book Be a Better Dad Today: Ten Tools Every Father Needs, and his wife, Marina Slayton, author of the new book Be The Best Mom You Can Be. The Slaytons have been featured on Fox and Friends, Focus on the Family Radio and numerous other media outlets. They donate 100% of their royalties from parenting books to fatherhood and family non-profits.
Senators John McCain and Joe Lieberman, Governors Jeb Bush and Sam Brownback and Pastors Tim Keller and Luis Palau, among others, have endorsed the Slaytons. In their exclusive series for The Christian Post, both Marina and Gregory will answer thoughtful Christian parents seeking to raise their children up in the goodness of the Gospel and the Glory of God. If you would like to have Marina and Gregory answer your questions, please contact them via momsaysdadsays@christianpost.com.
Parent's Question: My spouse and I are in the process of separating and the impact on our kids has been much worse than we had been told to expect. Our divorced friends have told us that kids are resilient and as long as we continue to love them (and don't show them how much my spouse and I don't get along) everything should turn out fine. Our kids are angry and bitter. I know this is a complicated question, but what can we do to minimize the impact of our divorce on our kids?
Get Our Latest News for FREE
Mom Says: You may not want to hear this but I don't believe there is anything you can do that will "minimize" the deep hurt and pain to your kids. Of course you should be openly communicative with your children, loving them, and you should show respect to your spouse no matter the hurt. But the idea that our kids are not deeply impacted by divorce is a lie.
Children are born with an innate desire to belong to their families. Tearing apart the family goes at the heart of their identities and their need to be part of a larger entity.
When divorce comes, it does not just tear apart two people, it tears at the heart of the greater whole and kids feel abandoned and rejected as the larger whole is being abandoned and rejected.
My husband and I came from broken families. As Tolstoy insightfully noted, happy families are similar in many ways, but unhappy families are all different in specific ways. That was certainly true for Gregory and myself. We both came to our marriage not well prepared. The impact of our parents' poor examples had been imprinted onto our souls.
At the beginning of our marriage, I went after a dream, but I ended up with a human being. I idolized romantic love and when the reality of everyday living came, I almost went under. But there were two things which strengthened my inner core and kept the foundation from teetering: 1. I believed Jesus when He said He hates divorce and 2. Love is a matter of spiritual commitment (and not an idol which can topple).
Gregory shares these core beliefs based on faith and the understanding of Scripture. I don't know the specifics of your case, but is there any way you can rebuild your life with your spouse? Deep forgiveness (which is ultimately what is necessary no matter what) may pave the way for redemption.This may not be a politically correct suggestion in this day and age but I am so saddened by the easy acceptance even in Christian circles of divorce as being the only way out.
No matter what, being humble with your children is crucial. I have had to apologize to my children about how I have behaved toward my husband because they are truly hurt when we fight; I can only advise you to be humble and contrite with your kids. They don't want to be told "everything is OK" when it clearly isn't. They just want to know that the foundation of their lives will continue through love and forgiveness. God bless you and your family.
Dad Says: The two most important people in the world of any child are their mom and dad. By far. The idea that divorce isn't going to rock a child's world is simply a fairy tale.
The research is clear. Children do far better when mom and dad are together on every single measurable outcome: graduation rates, physical health, drug use, emotional health, etc.
Some of the most interesting research in this area appears to show that children do better if mom and dad stay together EVEN IF there is significant tension in the marriage relationship at times (which to be honest is most marriages).
I agree with Marina: please pray about reconciling with your spouse. 60% of US men who divorce feel it was the wrong decision within two years of the divorce. And the negative impact on the kids can be devastating
Please do pray about reconciling. And we will be praying with and for you.
