An open letter to my daughter in light of Sexual Assault Awareness Month

By Randy Hartley, Op-ed contributor Wednesday, April 06, 2022

Dear Andrea:

I want you to know that I pray for you daily. I pray for continued healing from the sexual assault you endured years ago, and healing from the lasting impact it has had on you and our entire family. You, and we, have come so far in recovery and I praise God every night for that blessing!

I also want you to know how proud I am of you. I’m proud that you had the courage to tell us about what happened. I’m proud that you sought the help you needed to overcome the trauma you experienced, and I’m proud that you have overcome the trauma rather than allowing the trauma to overcome you. I know that the effects of that terrible event never go away completely, but I am a proud dad of a sexual assault survivor.

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I must also say that I am sorry. I am sorry that you went through what you did, and I am so sorry that I was not able to protect you as a 12 year old the way that dads always want to protect their little girls. But mostly, I am so very sorry that you were afraid to tell me about the assault for years because you feared that you might get in trouble.  

My love for you is unconditional and always has been. I am sorry that I failed to let you feel 100% secure in this unconditional love so that you could have shared your hurt and pain with me sooner. I’m sorry that you felt the need to try to carry the burden of your trauma by yourself for four years. For this, I will be forever sorry.

Trying to process the physical, mental and emotional harm of sexual assault alone is impossible, especially for a pre-teen.  The unjustified sense of shame you felt kept you in a dark place, and in that dark place you believed the lies of evil. You believed that somehow you were responsible and that somehow you had done something wrong. And the longer you held on to the toxic lies, you began to think that you had no value. Nothing could be further from the truth, but the burden of your secret caused you to act on your sense of worthlessness and treat yourself as worthless.

I am forever thankful that you hit rock bottom, which led you to reach out for help, and in that process to let us know what you were going through. Seeking help was a ray of hope. God was able to shine His light into your darkness, revealing the lies that you had listened to for four years. By reaching out, we were able to address the real issues and began to move forward again. Thank you so much for trusting us to help you.

I look at you today and throughout my years as your dad in awe of you. It is unfair that you were forced to face what you had to face, especially at the young age that you did. You not only faced it, but you overcame it. You had love and support and counseling to help in the process, but it is you who made the decision to overcome and move forward.  

I am in awe of how you did so well in school after your recovery, how you volunteered to tutor refugee children, and even led mission trips to Africa. God took your pain and let it fuel your passion — what was once meant for evil, God meant for good! You are a shining example to others of how brokenness is not the end of the story, but rather is a chapter in life’s story that is not yet finished.

As you continue your life’s journey, I want to remind you again of my unconditional love for you. For however many days we have left together on this earth, I am here for you. And for however many days I have left, I want you to know how proud I am of you, how sorry I am for all you have been through, how thankful I am for who you have become, and how much I am in awe of you for everything you have overcome.

Love,

Dad