Acceptance: The Best Valentine's Gift For Your Spouse
Late-night comedian Jimmy Kimmel staged a hilarious hoax one night. He had parents present their kids beautifully wrapped junk—a dirty sponge, an old rag, a vegetable, which no kids wants. Each gift was met with tears and angry outbursts; not one child could say: "Thanks." Acceptance was out of the question.
For too many people today, marriage is approached much the same way. We don't accept our spouses for whom they are, and as a result, they can sometimes seem like bad gifts. One look at the high divorce rate in this country tells us that many continue to try and return or exchange their spouses much like unwanted Christmas gifts.
To have a successful marriage, we must act in the opposite way. Instead of looking for the return receipt, we should instead be seeking out ways to discover the value of our spouses. This begins with acceptance. Acceptance can heal an ailing marriage because it invites you and your spouse to be yourself—your best self.
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So how does one practice acceptance?
The first way is to try not to "fix" your spouse. Far too many go into marriage thinking that their spouse will be perfect after a few minor changes, but when we truly accept someone, we let go of the need to try and fix him or her. When your spouse senses that you're on an overhaul mission, the oneness a healthy marriage requires is lost. You marry your spouse "as is." I hate to use the example of buying a used car. But it applies. The car is sold and bought in "as-is" condition. Don't think: "I'll fix my spouse." It never works! All you can do is cultivate an atmosphere that encourages both of you to grow and change.
Scripture also teaches us how to practice acceptance in marriage. "The man and his wife were both naked, and they felt no shame" (Gen. 2:25, Italics Mine). Without shame there is openness, honesty, realness, and trust.
By vowing to love, honor, and cherish your mate, you made a promise to accept him or her as valuable and special. Something of great value was exchanged as you publicly declared: "With this ring I thee wed, and with my body I thee honor; the ring is a sign of my love and faithfulness that I pledge to you in the name of the Father, and of the Son, and of the Holy Spirit. Amen."
Value speaks of worth, importance, and significance. In a happy marriage, you see and treat your mate with value. When your spouse feels valued, he or she will strive to resolve conflicts quickly. If you have to seek the help of an intermediary or counselor to help fix a problem, don't hesitate because a peaceful home reinforces your value of your spouse.
Additionally, focusing on your spouse's positive attributes and endearing qualities will increase the feelings of acceptance. Constant criticism erodes the feelings of value and specialness in marriage.
My wife and I recently celebrated our 30th wedding anniversary. I can look back now to the early days and chuckle at my immaturity. For example, my wife liked squeezing the toothpaste tube from the middle and it drove me crazy. Every morning, I was faced with a massacred tube of toothpaste. I tried to get Marlinda to start squeezing the toothpaste the right way.
I first asked nicely. "Please squeeze the tube from the bottom, sweetheart." She still mangled the tube. At this point, I grew angry. Just two years in my newfound Christian faith, I prayed: "God, help my wife learn how to squeeze the toothpaste tube." Here was God dealing with things like terrorism, ethnic cleansing and global warming. Yet, I was asking Him to address my toothpaste dilemma.
Colgate saved my marriage. I discovered the toothpaste pump—a cylinder-like container that released toothpaste with a press of a button. Don't laugh! It helped me learn the lesson of acceptance.
On this Valentine's Day, remember the roses. But most importantly, give the gift of acceptance to your spouse.
