Been Caught Using Porn? 5 Steps She Needs to Feel Safe Again
She's devastated. Your wife has discovered you have been caught using porn and now her expectations of both you and your marriage have been destroyed.
Prior to her discovery she had expected you would:
1. Desire only her.
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2. Honor her with your actions.
3. Serve as a role model for your children.
4. Be safe.
"Safe" means she can trust you with her heart and believe you are a man of integrity. But now that you've been caught using porn, all her expectations have crashed and burned. You have no credibility, you're untrustworthy, and you lack integrity.
By electing to engage in selfish pleasures you have broken the spirit of the woman you love and have left her wondering how to pick up the pieces. In her mind, you are no longer safe.
Fortunately, your credibility can be restored and your sexual integrity renewed. But to do so, it is critical to follow these steps:
1. Make You Life an Open Book.
Complete transparency is required to rebuild trust in a relationship. That means there is no withholding your cell phone when asked to see it. It also means providing all passwords to electronics. If she asks, you need to explain where you're going or where you're coming from.
There can be no secrets, and you must be open without being resentful or angry. This can be very difficult for many men who feel they are being treated as a child, but this exercise is not for your benefit. Instead, it's for your spouse, who needs to be able to have some control over the new fears she has developed due to your addiction.
2. Give Her Time to Throw Rocks.
Your wife is probably angry, even though she may not be showing it at this point. Anger is part of the grieving process and can present itself along any point of the recovery continuum. When she becomes angry, it's important for you to understand she has a barrel of rocks that she is aiming to throw in your direction.
Her recovery requires she work through her anger, and therefore you need to take the rocks that are thrown your way. Many men fight this process and shut their wives down, but that is a mistake — those rocks will still come, but they may be in the form of passive-aggressive behavior. If you don't let her throw her rocks today, you may find boulders hitting you in the future.
3. Include Her in Your Recovery.
This is an area where many men fall short. The last thing they want to do is continue to bring up their mistakes, so therefore they simply go through the recovery process without sharing what they are learning about themselves and their addiction. This leaves their spouse in the dark and wondering if you're making any lifelong changes.
It's important for you to talk with her at least once a week about what you've been doing in your recovery and learning about yourself. This exercise is helping change her mindset and see that you are making the necessary changes so she can once more think of you as "safe."
4. Remember Your Words Mean Nothing.
That's right. Your word are meaningless at this time. In order for her to deem you as safe she needs to see consistent and productive actions. She needs to know you are in recovery and taking the steps necessary to keep up your guard against future temptations.
5. Stay Focused on the Long-Term Outcome and Changing Your Heart.
There are going to be bumps and potholes in your recovery path. It will not be easy and at times you may feel you simply want to quit. But quitting is not an option. You must stay focused and understand that recovery goes beyond changing your behavior and is instead aimed at changing your heart.
Then she'll see you as safe once again.
Originally posted at xxxchurch.com.
