Trump Campaign Desperately Looking for New Group to Offend
On the surface, the Donald Trump campaign to become president for life of the United States of America appears unstoppable.
Like a cotton-candy-haired perpetually-squinting oddly-tanned robotic juggernaut, Trump is polling strong not only in Iowa but also in the nation at large.
However, at Trump headquarters all is in a panic as countless staffers rush about the stock market-like floor with large posters of the Donald staring at them from above.
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"We're running out of resources!" complained one wide-eyed staffer who pleaded with us to be kept anonymous lest his college-educated friends realize who he's campaigning for.
Apparently the major struggle is that Trump is running out of the fuel that has kept his campaign as huuuuge as it is: groups to offend.
"You would think that in a nation as diverse as ours, this would be a boundless resource," continued the staffer, who was on the cusp of a breakdown.
"But no. Our supreme leader the Donald has exceeded his supply of groups to insult on the campaign trail. If we cannot find more communities, we're doomed! DOOMED I TELL YOU! DOOMED!!!"
From the onset of his campaign, begun last summer, Trump has relied on the time-honored energy of insulting various groups to gain momentum.
As of Thursday, Trump has insulted Mexicans, POWs, women both specific and in general, Muslims, immigrants, immigrant Muslims, Muslim athletes, and Muslim athlete immigrants.
Unfortunately, all of this insulting of various communities and identity groups has left the Donald struggling to find new groups to insult going into primary season.
"Really, he went too far, too fast," commented Barry Robato, professor of politics at Crystal Ball University in the Great Commonwealth of Virginia.
"Most candidates pace themselves when insulting broad stretches of the American population. Trump seems to have blitz a bit more than most."
After being thanked for doing certain occupations others could not do, Mr. Robato also gave some sage advice for the Trump campaign.
"Save up," advised Robato. "And don't worry. There are still plenty of groups out there just waiting to be verbally assaulted."
Meanwhile, in a lavish meeting room full of golden wallpaper and large marble columns, Trump's inner circle is accepting pitches for new groups to offend.
"How about Jehovah's Witnesses?" posited one person. "Imagine a campaign promise to build a wall around JWs so they can't knock on people's doors again?"
Another nodded. "And then Trump can talk about how Jehovah's Witnesses have never given us any good musicians. That will give us at least another three points in the polls. Easily."
"Wait a minute," opined one critical person. "Weren't Michael Jackson and the Artist Formerly Known as Prince both Jehovah's Witnesses?"
"So what?" empatically countered the initial positing staffer. "Its not like we've ever let petty things like 'facts' and 'truth' ever get in the way before."
Other possible groups to be insulted within the next few months include Trekkies, Eagles Fans, high school math teachers, people who spoiled the ending to Star Wars, and of course, the political process.
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