Focus on the Family addresses ‘sexual anorexia’ in marriages and how women can cope
Focus on the Family recently addressed the issue of “sexual anorexia” in marriages and how women can cope when their husbands don’t want to have sex.
A stat that might surprise some is that one out of three married women has a greater sex drive than her husband, according to experts at the Christian nonprofit Focus on the Family.
While many find that their husband’s sex drive tends to be higher, some women struggle in silence when their spouse's sex drive is in decline due to such things as stress, health or hormonal decline, porn addiction or even struggles with past sexual abuse, said Erin Smalley, a marriage strategist and spokesperson for Focus on the Family.
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Smalley, along with Sheri Mueller, author of the book I want him to want me: How to respond when your husband doesn't want to have sex, shared accounts of women who've endured the lack of intimacy in their marriages as well as advice for how to work through the problem on an episode of the "Focus on the Family with Jim Daly" podcast titled "Pursuing Intimacy with a Reluctant Husband."
"We (women) look at ourselves as the problem," Mueller told Daly, president of Focus on the Family. "And we don't often do a really good job of coming back to our husband and communicating what we're feeling or why we're feeling neglected or forgotten. We don't always do such a great job of that. We often internalize the shame. We will blame ourselves. We're afraid that if we bring anything up, even within the church or to another girlfriend, that we're going to be judged, misunderstood. This really becomes a secret agony, a secret place of shame.
“No one wants to admit my husband has no sexual desire for me. Because it feels like parenting, it reflects upon you. The reason he has no desire is because ‘I'm not appealing’ or whatever, fill in the blank,” Mueller continued.
“I think it's healthy to talk about God's design for sex. I think with couples that are dealing with this issue or the reverse, where the husband's sex drive is much higher than the woman's, you know, along with finances. This is always the top one or two things that could push a marriage apart to the point of divorce.”
Smalley stressed that God has specifically designed sex to sustain and strengthen the bonds of marriage.
"[God] created it, we didn't make it up," she said. "This is supposed to be a gift. Even at that, we kind of put our hands over our mouth and [over] our ears, and yet, it's a gift. ... Nobody talks about it. So often at marriage events we begin seeing this pattern of these sweet ladies coming up and kind of whispering to us and [saying], ‘We haven't had sex in, you know, months or years,' and my heart goes out on what is happening,’” Smalley said.
“But what I know about God's design is it's something that's worth fighting for. It is not a ‘me’ issue. It is a ‘we’ issue. We can look at this together [and discover] what is really going on. ... And so, it's ... going before Him (God) and asking for His wisdom and guidance.”
Smalley, who noted that there are various issues that could cause a low sex drive in men, said: “It's really touchy when there's unhealthy stuff related to that. ... [W]e recognize there may have been abuse of some sort — those things can contribute to a shame or wanting to cover or hide in that area of your marriage. And those are things you need to work through [with] professional help to unleash what God has given you in a much healthier way,” Smalley said.
Muller strongly advised that women not discuss this problem in their marriage with their family members or friends, and to only speak to their spouse and a professional counselor who can offer confidential guidance about the issue their having.
She added: “Some additional things that can affect a man's drive could be a physical condition, maybe low testosterone, maybe high blood pressure, maybe a recent surgery ... maybe past abuse that hasn't been worked out. Or, at times, there can be pornography addiction. And, of course, pornography use can be on a whole spectrum. But it's looking at what's really going on.”
Muller said the low sex drive could also be an indication of infidelity in the marriage.
Whatever issue is going on in the marriage, Mueller emphasized that it's important to God, and He wants couples to seek after Him as they work to rekindle their intimacy. “God is glorified in this really important area of a relationship in marriage. Surely this topic is personal for Him,” she said.
Smalley advised listeners struggling with sexual intimacy in marriage to seek professional counseling.
“This again is a ‘we’ issue. If your husband will not go to counseling with you, begin counseling for yourself. Have someone to talk to, someone that's safe, someone that's going to provide you with biblical guidance,” Mueller advised.
“I don't recommend that you go to girlfriends or to your mom or a sister to begin with. This is a private matter that needs to be addressed with the utmost care. I'm not talking secrecy, I’m talking care.”
Nicole VanDyke is a reporter for The Christian Post.
