Harry Reid Shocked to Learn He's Mormon
Irrefutable evidence has surfaced that United States Sen. Harry Reid, D-Nev., is in fact a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints.
The pro-gay marriage, pro-abortion politician who represents a state best known for its prostitution and gambling is indeed a Mormon, researchers have found.
"We were just as surprised as everyone else," noted one member of the research team, who had located both written and oral evidence of Reid's beliefs in Nevada. "I mean, who would've thunk it?"
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Researchers informed Reid of their findings months back as he was prepping for a routine in his yoga pants — a sight, they said, will haunt them forever.
Nevertheless, the surprising revelation was kept hidden for some time due in no small part to Reid's soft-spoken voice barely being heard over Sen. Ted Cruz's most recent hours-long public reading of The Cat in the Hat.
Shockwaves reverberated from the vice-filled desert state that Reid represents, to the mildly hallowed halls of Congress in the District of Columbia.
"I cannot live a lie anymore," admitted Reid before national press on Capitol Hill. "I am in fact a Mormon."
For years, people have wondered just what, if anything, Reid believed in, with several office cubicle pools pointing to either Mainline Protestant or Part-Time Catholic.
At least one person had also suggested that Reid was a covert Communist Muslim, but then changed his answer when he realized the question wasn't about Obama.
Others who have known little Harry since he first began in Congress noticed that he was different from most boys.
"I remember this one time I offered him a cup of coffee and just as he was grabbing hold of it, he suddenly jerked back in horror and splashed it everywhere," recalled one congressional staffer.
"And he did that often, so much so that whenever a new intern showed up we would tell him or her to give Senator Reid a cup of coffee because 'Reid likes coffee.'"
Combined with his unusual insistence on being the designated driver for any congressional social events, some had already been suspicious.
During an emotional, tear-jerking coming-out before the press, Reid acknowledged that there were times when he tried to repress actions he now realizes reflected his Mormonism.
"I tried doing yoga every day and moonlighting as a back-alley bear-knuckle brawler," said Reid, pointing to his oft speculated about injured eye. "Anything to be as un-Mormon as possible."
"But no, none of it worked. I still ended up having my kids married in the Temple and teaching beliefs to the families of a couple of my Congressional peers."
Some in the press corps were confused as to how Reid could, on the one hand, not know he was Mormon yet, on the other hand, engage in Mormon activities outside of his public career.
"You expect consistency from a politician?!" angrily declared Reid in an uncharacteristically loud voice, scaring the gaggle into stunned silence.
Many pundits and bloggers are unsure as to what impact, if any, this revelation will have on Reid's policy positions or his treatment of ideological enemies.
While most of his supporters have insisted that nothing will change, others have noticed Reid now taking long bicycle trips in business casual, randomly socializing with people who seem spiritually conflicted.
"I'm 1,000% sure it's just a phase," insisted one liberal democratic strategist. "I mean, I doubt he'll do anything crazy like announce his retirement or something. Wouldn't that be nuts? I mean, seriously."
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