Joshua Harris posts 'updated' apology to LGBT community, others for 'I Kissed Dating Goodbye'
I Kissed Dating Goodbye author Joshua Harris recently shared an “updated” version of his apology addressing the impact of his work, apologizing specifically to the “LGBTQ+” community and those negatively affected by purity culture.
In a statement posted on Instagram Monday, the former Evangelical pastor and author of the controversial 1997 book, said he wanted to revisit the journey that led him to reconsider its message and ultimately renounce its central tenets.
“For many years, people have asked me whether I still agree with the ideas I wrote,” Harris wrote. “Some readers have shared that the book harmed them. Their words stayed with me.”
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Harris detailed a years-long process of reflection that began in earnest during his time in graduate school in Vancouver, Vancouver, British Columbia, Canada, between 2015 and 2018. That period marked a turning point in his understanding of the book’s theological, sociological and cultural implications, he said.
Originally written when Harris was 21, I Kissed Dating Goodbye became a bestseller and a foundational text of the Evangelical purity movement. Its message encouraged young Christians to avoid dating and physical intimacy before marriage, advocating instead for courtship as a more godly path. The book’s teachings were embraced by many churches, youth groups, and parents during the late 1990s and early 2000s, shaping the relationship practices of a generation.
In his statement, Harris claimed he now believes the book’s ideas had fostered fear, shame and unrealistic expectations among readers.
“I see now that in trying to warn people about the pitfalls of dating, the book instilled fear in many readers — fear of making mistakes, fear of having their hearts broken, fear of failing to live up to an ideal,” Harris wrote.
Harris said he began publicly reevaluating his book in 2016, creating a space on his website for readers to share their experiences. Many responded with stories of how the book’s teachings had harmed their relationships and self-perception. These conversations informed "I Survived I Kissed Dating Goodbye," a 2018 documentary Harris co-created as a graduate school project.
“I saw my book had many flaws,” he wrote. “In my effort to set a high standard, the book emphasized practices like avoiding dating and kissing before marriage, and concepts like giving your heart away — things that are not found in the Bible.”
“I no longer agreed with the central idea of I Kissed Dating Goodbye, that dating should be avoided,” he wrote.
Harris also announced that he and his publisher had agreed to discontinue the book and its sequels in 2018.
Harris apologized specifically to the “LGBTQ+ people” for “any pain or exclusion” his writings caused. Since renouncing his earlier work, Harris’ marriage ended in 2019, and he said he no longer identifies as an Evangelical Christian.
"While I can’t recall all the copies of my book, I’ve worked to spread the word about its problems through public statements, media interviews and the documentary,” Harris said.
“For those who read my book and were misdirected or hurt by it, I want to say this clearly. I am sincerely sorry. I never intended to hurt anyone with what I wrote. I know my apology doesn't change anything for you, and I know it comes too late, but I want you to hear me. I regret any way that my ideas restricted you, hurt you, or gave you a wrong view of yourself, your sexuality or your relationships.”
In 2015, Harris resigned as senior pastor of Covenant Life Church to attend Regent College, a graduate school in Vancouver, citing a desire to rethink his theology and pastoral methods.
In a 2019 Instagram post, Harris announced that he no longer considered himself a Christian, referencing the biblical term “falling away” to describe his spiritual state.
“By all the measurements that I have for defining a Christian, I am not a Christian. Many people tell me that there is a different way to practice faith and I want to remain open to this, but I’m not there now,” wrote Harris.
In 2021, he announced he was offering a paid course to help people deconstruct their religious beliefs, but later pulled the course amid criticism over monetizing the process of spiritual deconstruction.
