Lacey Sturm on Finding Healing After Having Emotional Affair With Married Man (Interview)
Former FlyLeaf frontwoman Lacey Sturm recently released a deeply personal memoir, The Mystery: Finding True Love in a World of Broken Lovers, in which she opens up about her divorce, emotional affair with a married man, battle with suicide, and how she found healing from it all.
"It was a really hard book for me to release because it was vulnerable but also because it felt like, 'Why are you telling people these stories? Why are you telling these people all of your business?'" Sturm said in an interview with The Christian Post about her book that was released last month.
The young rocker said the book reveals the mystery of a woman, but adds that she rarely left anything a mystery in the transparent telling of her journey. Sturm also admits that she felt uncertain about sending the book off to be published but has since realized how much it was needed.
Get Our Latest News for FREE
"I know what it's like to make a choice that feels like it's so destructive to everybody around you, but in your own mind it feels like the right thing anyway. Then I realized, I really need to put this book out because there are so many people who have those questions, are in the middle of facing those choices, or on the other side of them and they feel worthless because of the mess they caused, like I did, and the despair of life. I just wanted to share how you can get through this time and make good choices that bring life to those destructive situations and heal from it," she explained.
In the memoir, Sturm describes in detail the inappropriate relationship she had with a married man named Nathan. Disregarding advice from her youth leaders and friends at church, she continued to council a married man who called her day and night to seek "godly advice." It wasn't until he eventually hit on her that she realized everyone was right.
"For me, when I would hear about things before going through it myself, I would be like, 'What's wrong with them? They're not good people.' I would judge them and immediately condemn them. But now when I hear stories, I'm like, 'Well I know exactly what that feels like — when you think with all your heart that it's the right thing but it's so destructive to everything around you,'" Sturm explained.
"There's no condemnation because I was brought through it and my heart breaks for the struggle that it is when you're in the midst of it all. So instead of condemning or being hateful now, I totally understand that nobody is immune to it [sin]."
Sturm, however, eventually realized that she could get out of the pit she put herself in, and wanted others to know that they could as well.
"We can actually choose to come out of it, it doesn't feel like you have any choices but you can actually choose. In the end we can choose to make a choice with our faith too. Choose to believe in the midst of not understanding or having all the answers. Just like in a marriage, when you don't feel those feelings and you can't remember why you got married, you can choose to honor that comment that you made," the mother of two assured.
The Mystery includes a chapter titled "Orphan Identity" in which the Florida native talks about her rebellious nature and need for a father figure, something she believes all people struggle with.
"I think in America it feels like our heritage. If you don't like the rules then just stand up and change them. So we don't have this example of healthy trustworthy rule makers," Sturm asserted. "This is what I've also learned about marriage — in that season of having trustworthy people that love me and have the right motives helping me find a way to set boundaries for my heart."
Sturm admitted that she initially thought submission to authority was "stupid," but now says she's found it to be "such miraculous safety and miraculous peace" to follow godly counsel.
"They weren't perfect people, God was just teaching me about trust and He was also teaching me the ability to cover the mistakes of our leaders," she said. "We feel like we have to get revenge or we have to be smarter than them."
Sturm revealed that marriage has helped her become comfortable with trusting others.
"It's not that you're putting your faith in men that fail, its that you're putting your faith in God, and I'm going to cover you and take care of you even when you feel like you're humbling yourself to go along with something you don't feel is best," she added. "In the end, God is the God of all authorities. He's the highest authority and He loves you and He can totally defend us and protect us."
"I'm not going to tell you how to live, I'm just going to tell you what I've learned, what I saw," The 35-year-old added.
In her memoir, she covers what she went through when she wed at 19 and subsequently divorced at 21, and her emotional affair and becoming suicidal, which led her to question her faith in God.
"I [also] talk about my journey and being healthy emotionally and coming back to faith and what that looks like," she said. "Then I talked about gaining a relationship with spiritual mentors/spiritual parents and then I ended up dating my husband and walking through that season of purity. He didn't kiss me til he asked me to marry him and I didn't think that was possible. Then we ended up getting married."
Furthermore, the author shares testimonials from some of her friends in the book and touches on the topics of love, relationships and scripture.
"I ended up at the very end learning that even though God brings people into your life to represent His heart, His father's heart, or His great love. The truth is, we only have one Father and that's God, and we only have one Bridegroom and that's Christ," Sturm emphasized. "So I see how none of those can become idols because God says everything can be shaken but what can't be shaken remains, and that's Him."
The former lead singer of platinum-selling international rock band Flyleaf has since departed from the band and is now a solo artist whose musical successes continue. Her debut solo project, Life Screams, was released in February and hit the No. 1 spot on Billboard's Top Hard Rock Albums chart. Sturm's solo ministry has fully taken off.
For additional information on her music or upcoming book, click here.
