Many Things to be Thankful For; I Think
It's Thanksgiving again, when folks go home to bear the brunt of their parents' judgment. This year perhaps all you single folks out there will hear the delightful query from your moms, "Why are you still single, and Charles Manson isn't?"
Yes, Charles Manson is finally settling down. His fiancée is 26 years old, so what could go wrong? He is old enough to have murdered her grandparents.
AAA predicts that 43 million Americans will take to the roads with their families to visit relatives for Thanksgiving. It also predicts that upwards of 8 million of them will still be talking to each other by the time they reach their aunt's house.
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It has been an epic year for us op-ed humor writers. At this point in the year, I give thanks for all those buffoons, reprobates, scalawags and scoundrels who made my job easier in 2014.
Monica Lewinsky came out of the Mistress Protection Program and commented on her affair with Bill Clinton. It was as if God sent us op-ed humor writers a gift.
Let's be thankful the stock market hit record highs. Yes, Obama is an envy-driven, business-hating socialist intent on destroying capitalism but, as with ObamaCare, he is so inept at it that Wall Street loves him.
Obama continued to sink lower in the polls. His new Secret Service name is "Ebola Gruber." Obama is so unpopular and the Dems are fighting to blame each other so much that I suggest they change their name to the "Donner Party."
I am thankful the Democrats and Republicans might compromise on the Keystone Pipeline crossing our border as long as it brings in illegals for the Dems and oil for the Repubs. The pipeline is estimated to bring enough oil into the U.S. to lube up Kim Kardashian's derriere through 2018.
Alabama and Mississippi were named "The Most Religious States in the Union." They were upset to be reminded that they are still in the Union. And the most obese states where Louisiana was #1, Mississippi #2 and, inexplicably, Louisiana also came in 3rd.
Florida State QB Jameis Winston was arrested again -- this time for stealing crab legs from Publix, where shoplifting is a pleasure. (This was in addition to charges for sexual assault.) But worry not; several FSU boosters have gotten to the crab legs and convinced them not to testify. If convicted of all these crimes, Winston could be sentenced to ten years in the NFL.
The tide has turned from favoring blacks in America to fawning over Hispanic illegal immigrants. Brown is the new black. Yet this is a good trend for white men, who might get back on top since at any moment they can discover they are gay.
Spotting the trend, CBS announced it will have a new show about a gay detective. His gift in solving crimes is his heightened fashion sense. His Fashion Police squad just sneers at what suspects wear until they confess to their fashion crimes.
President Obama appointed a political crony as the "Ebola Czar." It must be fun to watch him introduce himself as the Ebola Czar and then reach to shake folks' hands.
LA Clippers owner Don Sterling got into trouble for racist comments he made while his mistress was recording him. It was amazing that the issue wasn't that he was caught on tape with his mistress in his wife's house.
Pot was legalized in Washington D.C., so police there won't arrest you for smoking weed in public. It was hailed by officials as a bold move that will change nothing. Offenders' only punishment will be a ticket—to a Baltimore Orioles game.
Obama took the podium a week after the Professor Gruber story hit to say he didn't know anything about it until that day. He was too busy not knowing anything about the Benghazi cover-up, the NSA snooping on Americans, the IRS targeting political opponents, and Operation Fast and Furious.
The Pope appointed nineteen new Cardinals. Again, not a single Jew.
Looney Senator Elizabeth Warren acts like she will run for president. To look like more a liberal presidential stalwart, she launched an expensive website that doesn't work.
Attorney General Eric Holder provided legal cover for unconstitutional executive actions by his meal ticket, President Obama. Americans aren't paying attention as these two violate our laws. We take the infield fly rule more seriously.
