Mom Says, Dad Says: How to Deal With a Rude, Disrespectful Teen
Introducing "Mom Says/Dad Says," an exclusive Christian parental advice column by Gregory Slayton, former U.S. Ambassador to Bermuda and author of the best-selling book Be a Better Dad Today: Ten Tools Every Father Needs, and his wife, Marina Slayton, author of the new book Be The Best Mom You Can Be. The Slaytons have been featured on Fox and Friends, Focus on the Family Radio and numerous other media outlets. They donate 100% of their royalties from parenting books to fatherhood and family non-profits.
Senators John McCain and Joe Lieberman, Governors Jeb Bush and Sam Brownback and Pastors Tim Keller and Luis Palau, among others, have endorsed the Slaytons. In their exclusive series for The Christian Post, both Marina and Gregory will answer thoughtful Christian parents seeking to raise their children up in the goodness of the Gospel and the Glory of God. If you would like to have Marina and Gregory answer your questions, please contact them via momsaysdadsays@christianpost.com.
Parent's Question: Our two teenage sons are very different even though they are only two years apart. The older one is doing well in school, has a nice set of friends and is always respectful to us and other adults. The younger one is very different in every respect. We struggle to communicate with him, the harder we try the more he seems to cut us off. What can we do?
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Mom Says: Rudeness from our kids is not acceptable — either towards us or towards other individuals. Honoring parents is the first of the Ten Commandments which comes with a blessing. Therefore, a respectful attitude needs to be enforced — and reinforced — at home.
Right now our youngest child is entering puberty and I have been struck with how becoming independent is alarmingly similar to being rude. Even with my frail health, I know it will do him no favors if I don't hold him to a respectful attitude. As you communicate with your child (and the last thing you want to do is stop communicating) establish ground rules of respect and honesty. Part of growing up is learning how to communicate respectfully with others even when we disagree.
In terms of communication, you may not be able to control the flow, or lack thereof, of communication emanating from your son. Teens are notoriously uncommunicative — they choose to talk to parents when it suits them. That is why I found being home in the teen years crucial for our family; the best talks were unscheduled, often while I was in the kitchen preparing dinner. No matter whether you work at home or outside the home, try to make time for impromptu conversations (in the car, taking a walk, during a meal, or just sitting around).
Also, it is crucial for you to understand what you and your spouse are exactly communicating to your son. Are you communicating (even subliminally) that you are disappointed in him and that you wished he were more like his more successful brother? Our culture values certain kinds of success above others to the point of idolatry (material success, athletic success, academic success, etc.). In our family lives, we cannot bow down before the world's definition of success as we raise our children to be honorable, virtuous individuals. Your son is thinking deeply about his place in life and if he believes that his own parents are disappointed in him, then he is in a sad place right now.
It is critical for us to be students of our children. We talk a lot about this in our recent book (www.BeTheBestMomYouCanBe.com). We have had to learn who our kids truly are so that we can help them grow into the man or woman the Lord intended them to be. Your children (and ours) have been uniquely made by God and as we discover who they are we can guide them and help them reach their potential. But it is their potential and their dreams that are important, and not our own for them.
Before the great chapter on love in 1 Corinthians 13, the Apostle Paul tackles the issue of talent (and not surprisingly, makes powerful arguments against competiveness and envy) by writing that "there are different kinds of gifts ... there are different kinds of work ... but in all of them and in everyone it is the same God at work (1 Corinthians 12:4-6).
God is not a cookie cutter and He has uniquely created our children for a purpose that only they can fulfill. It is up to us as parents to help our kids understand and grow into the fullness of all the Lord has for them. That takes time and love and commitment from our side, especially in the teen years. But don't grow weary of doing good — and your younger son will thank you for it in time.
Dad Says: All boys, but especially teenage boys, need their dad. Have you as a dad taken time to take your younger son out on his own? Just the two of you to a ball game or a simple dinner or even just a walk in the park or woods. Fishing or hunting or sports usually give plenty of opportunities for good communication too.
If communication has been difficult of late, don't expect miracles the first time out. Building strong bridges of communication takes time. But stay at it and remember this: no matter what he says or how he acts, your teenage son DOES want to have a close relationship with you. Just keep working at it little by little, no matter if there is an occasional setback.
Also, we must be sure to show our teenage sons the respect they crave. Every young man wants to earn the confidence and respect of his father. This is true in all cultures and has been true throughout human history. It hasn't changed for your son. There is a whole chapter on this in our best-seller www.BeABetterDadToday.com. Check it out if you need more advice on this important subject. 100% of the royalties go to Fatherhood and Family charities … so you will be blessing others too.
It's all too easy for us as dads to play favorites. But favoritism is like cancer in families. It's bad for everyone, including the favorite. Of course it might be easier for you to relate to your older son, but it is super important that we as dads show love, respect and confidence to each of our children.
Finally, be sure your wife is on board with you in all of this. It's important for your younger son to know that he is loved and respected by both of you. It's equally important that if discipline is required, you and mom are on the same page.
In our culture more and more teenage boys are getting lost and then self-destructing. No matter what it takes, don't let that happen to your son.
