Parent: Should I Be Worried That My Teen Isn't Social, Plays Computer Games Alone
Introducing "Mom Says/Dad Says," an exclusive Christian parental advice column by Gregory Slayton, former U.S. Ambassador to Bermuda and author of the best-selling book Be a Better Dad Today: Ten Tools Every Father Needs, and his wife, Marina Slayton, author of the new book Be The Best Mom You Can Be. The Slaytons have been featured on Fox and Friends, Focus on the Family Radio and numerous other media outlets. They donate 100% of their royalties from parenting books to fatherhood and family non-profits.
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Parent's Question: Our youngest child has just entered adolescence. He's a good boy, but he seems moody and a bit isolated from his friends. He spends a lot of time by himself, especially playing computer games. Is this just a phase? Or should we be concerned?
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Mom Says: Today it is very, very easy for teenage boys to get overly caught up in internet gaming. It's a multi-billion dollar industry that makes it easy to be the master of your own virtual universe, something virtually every teenage boy dreams of. We as parents need to be sure that our kids, boys and girls, are not captivated by virtual reality (including texting and social media, which some girls can spend hours on each day).
Here are a few things that seem to work well in this on-going struggle:
- Have a firm set of rules that apply to everyone in the household when it comes to all things digital (including dad). Our rules include: no use of cell phones (texts or calls) during family times (dinner, family devotions, family movie nights, etc), no inappropriate websites ever, and no gaming on school nights.
- Limited game play time for boys and social media (Facebook, Instagram, Twitter) time for girls. And please note: time is earned by good attitude and behavior…it is NOT a right.
- Lots of family fun together. Sometimes we have to force our kids to come with us to a museum or a sporting event or just to take a walk together. But we do. And without fail, once they are out with the family doing something fun together, it is great.
- Homework comes first. It is very easy for kids, especially boys, to put homework last. Hey, it is a lot more fun to kill aliens than to learn algebra. But that's why kids have parents. We must set a good example for our kids in being good workers ourselves. And we must insist that homework (and chores) come before digital play time…always.
- Good friends. It is critical that we help our kids develop good, strong friendships with quality kids. As the old saying goes "bad friends trump good intentions." In fact the Bible talks a lot about the importance of quality friends in the Proverbs. We can't just leave this critical area all to our kids. We can help by putting them together with high quality kids via youth group or sports teams or even moving schools (more than once we have pulled one of our kids out of a bad school environment to get them away from some bad influences). That might seem extreme to some, but for us it has worked every time.
Dad Says: The influence of the digital world is only going to grow. We don't want our children to grow up afraid of it or unaware of how to harness its power. But we cannot use digital media as a babysitter or a pacifier for our kids, for it can all too soon dominate their lives. Get more involved with your teenager. Before you know it he will be in his 20's…and you don't want to regret the time you could have had together.
Take him fishing or throw the ball around with him. Get him involved in something you love (my youngest son and I play tennis all the time…I played in college and now he is getting quite good). Even better, get yourself involved in something he loves (our middle son is quite a good squash player, so I'm trying to pick up squash). Do stuff with other families that have kids his age: family cookouts are easy and fun. Net-net: more time that you and mom spend with your son, and the more high quality friends you help him develop, the less time he will have for digital media.
Also, be sure to monitor what he is doing and watching. There is a lot of terrible stuff out there – and a lot of (to be frank) very sick people. Make sure he understands the basic "rules of the road" when it comes to internet use (here's some good advice http://childrescuenetwork.org/keeping-children-safe/internet-safety/ ) and spend time talking with him about these realities.
The key is to be involved as much as you can be with your son (or daughter). The truth is that NO one ever says on their death bed "Darn, I wish I spent more time at the office." Our kids need us…and we need them. This is a brand new day…make it a good one!!
