Should You Break Up If You're Not in Love Anymore? Jefferson Bethke Responds
It's a common statement you hear from couples, especially in Hollywood, who break up: We love each other but we're not in love anymore.
So what do you do if you feel you've "fallen out" of love with your partner or don't have "feelings" anymore? Jefferson Bethke, who rose to fame through his Christian spoken word poetry, tells listeners that the core of a relationship is not about "keeping that feeling."
"Love," he stressed in a new video Monday, "is not primarily a feeling. It's an action. It's about commitment and covenant."
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Yet many people base their relationships on their feelings. In the dating scene, some end up in a "bad cycle" of breaking up and moving up every time the "puppy love" fades.
"If you think the ultimate of a relationship is about keeping that feeling, then you will break up and move on, break up and move on … forever and continually hollow out your soul and feel disenchanted and disillusioned by that," Bethke warned.
In reality, for married couples, passion isn't always present, Bethke admitted. The father of two and his wife, Alyssa, acknowledged that along with passionate moments, there are "dry seasons" in a marriage.
"But it's about keeping the faithfulness and the commitment," Bethke said. "Because you're in a covenant, you stay."
For those who feel their love is fading in a marriage relationship, Alyssa advised that they pray for their spouse and ask how they can love them and serve them.
"When you put love into action, the feelings follow," she said. "If you start doing that more and more, I think it brings them to the forefront of your mind and they become more of a focus and your heart start to turn and you realize you really do love and care for them."
If, however, a couple has reached the point where the "feelings have completely gone" and there's a sense of uneasiness about the marriage, then Alyssa advised seeking a mentor and trying to work through it rather than breaking up right away.
"Our feelings are telling us something but it doesn't mean that we're ruled by our feelings," she stressed.
Unfortunately in today's culture, feelings are everything.
"Feelings are almost a god," said Jefferson Bethke. "It's like you will do everything on the altar of feelings."
The author and speaker said he is not arguing that feelings should be ignored — "God created those for a reason."
But feelings should not be in the driver's seat, he stressed. There needs to be balance.
"Totally listen to them (your feelings) but put them in their proper place," he noted. "Don't put them on the throne."
