What to Do About 'Drunk Uncle' at Thanksgiving?
"Mom Says/Dad Says," an exclusive Christian parental advice column by Gregory Slayton, former U.S. Ambassador to Bermuda and author of the best-selling book Be a Better Dad Today: Ten Tools Every Father Needs, and his wife, Marina Slayton, author of the new book Be The Best Mom You Can Be. The Slaytons have been featured on Fox and Friends, Focus on the Family Radio and numerous other media outlets. They donate 100% of their royalties from parenting books to fatherhood and family nonprofits.
Senators John McCain and Joe Lieberman, Governors Jeb Bush and Sam Brownback and Pastors Tim Keller and Luis Palau, among others, have endorsed the Slaytons. In their exclusive series for The Christian Post, both Marina and Gregory will answer thoughtful Christian parents seeking to raise their children up in the goodness of the Gospel and the Glory of God. If you would like to have Marina and Gregory answer your questions, please contact them via momsaysdadsays@christianpost.com."
Parent Question: My husband's uncle always comes for Thanksgiving Day dinner. We live in the same town and we have all of my husband's family over so it would be difficult not to invite him. Sadly, he is an alcoholic. And even though we do not keep any hard liquor at home, his Thanksgiving 'gift' to us is invariably a bottle of whiskey.
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The entire family has a complex relationship with this uncle. He is very generous and because he has no children of his own he can indulge his numerous nieces and nephews. After a few drinks, he starts getting belligerent — and he keeps pushing the drinks on everyone else. I don't want our two young kids to witness this year after year. Fortunately, my parents live in another state so Christmas is over their home. But Thanksgiving is becoming intolerable and our kids are now old enough to realize that something is very wrong. We cannot keep going on like this. What should we do?
Mom Says: Many of us have relatives that make family occasions not only difficult but sometimes hurtful. Being a victim of family abuse (especially during what is supposed to be a joyful family occasion) usually means having the energy sucked right out of you — just at the time when you need that energy most. So I applaud you for deciding to take some kind of action — and protecting your kids is the right place to start.
As Christians we are required to forgive. But we sometimes confuse the act of forgiving with the act allowing people into our lives who should not be there.
So be sure to pray for and forgive this uncle — both individually and with your husband. You both need to get on the same page to protect your kids.
It is your husband's role to talk to his uncle and to inform him that he will not be invited to Thanksgiving dinner unless he gives up drinking entirely during that occasion (and no more 'gifts' of alcohol please). You should volunteer to go with your husband (if you have the courage) so to present a united front.
You and your husband should discuss the matter with your husband's larger family as well. That way your motives will be clear to one and all. Maybe a family wide 'intervention' with the uncle might even be possible.
No matter what, be sure to pray before, during and after the discussions. Your uncle is in God's hands. You want your witness to be loving and kind, yet honest and truthful with him. But ultimately you and your husband are responsible for each other and your children.
Dad Says: Thank you for sharing what is a very, very common problem. The holidays can be blessed and beautiful times where a family creates wonderful memories. They can also be nightmares of on-going family pain and dysfunction.
Of course we want to be good witnesses and loving members of our larger family as much as possible. But when the health, safety or emotional well-being of our wife or children is in even the slightest danger, there can be no question. They are our first priority.
A very close friend of mine comes from a very dysfunctional family. Many years ago he and his wife decided not to spend the holidays with his family. At first it was difficult, but with time it has proven to be an excellent decision. Their holiday memories are happy and bright with no shadow of family dysfunction from crazy uncles or mean in-laws.
Granted, that is an extreme case. And it is certainly best to celebrate the holidays with the wider family if possible. But first and foremost we as fathers are responsible for our nuclear family. Our wife and our kid's welfare has to come first. And we have to do whatever we can to ensure their memories of family holidays together are warm and wonderful.
