'The Dating Manifesto' Author: Finding 'The One' Is 'Totally Bogus;' Not Settling Idea Is Misunderstanding
Anderson says that the church has contributed to the fallacy of not settling. "They over-spiritualize it," she told CP. In The Dating Manifesto, Anderson recalls how, as a young girl, her church youth group was asked to write down the qualities they most wanted in a husband — who was referred to as a their Prince, and they as Princesses. They were encouraged to include every single quality and characteristic they wanted, because nothing was too big for God. "… the message was clear: don't settle for anything less."
But Anderson says that "not settling" isn't the only dating misconception at work. She also balks at the popular concept of finding "The One" — the idea that there's an ideal match for everyone somewhere in the world.
"I flat-out say that's totally bogus," Anderson says. In her book, she explains that waiting for "The One" leads to relationship paralysis as guys and girls wait for assurances or gut feelings that may never come. In the process, they pass up perfectly great people. "What too many end up doing is not choosing at all," she writes.
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To further complicate the dating process, Anderson says that some people date "directionless." They're in a relationship with no plan for where it's going. "You're stuck and you don't know it," she writes. "The purpose of dating is to find a suitable marriage partner. Period." She writes that directionless daters have no game plan, "… only the promise of hanging in there while things stay fun and carefree." Precious time, that Anderson calls "marriageable years," is wasted.
According to Anderson, an individual could also be delaying marriage because they feel that they haven't yet matured. She bluntly writes, "Some people need to grow up. Look, no one wants to date a kid … it used to be that you finished school, got a job, and got married. Now young adults are prolonging adolescence well into their twenties." According to Pew Research analysis, today just 20 percent of adults between ages 18 to 29 are married. In 1960, that number was 59 percent.
As a single woman, Anderson writes about dating from personal experience. She applies that knowledge to her role as the manager of Boundless — a Focus on the Family ministry for young adults which aims to help 20- and 30-somethings grow up, own their faith, date with purpose and prepare for marriage and family.
She wrote The Dating Manifesto at the urging of people who would often say, "you've got to put that down on paper," and she completed the manuscript in six months with the hope of providing readers with "everything I wished I'd been told about dating in my 20s and 30s, but wasn't."
She says the book is for "someone who's still single and hasn't had the fairytale ending."
