XXXChurch.com's Craig Gross on Why Christians Should Have the Best Sex, but Don't (Interview - Pt. 1)
Gross: I think it's physical and it's spiritual.
My wife jokes, I think on the series, if you're not having sex, you're just roommates and joking aside, I think there's something there. It's a benefit of being married but I think it's something that bonds you and bring you closer and it's something that's shared and obviously the most intimate thing you're going to do.
I'm convinced – I've heard it for years, people tell me our marriage is great but our sex life isn't, and I would really push into that like 'I don't think you can use those words and say we have a great marriage we just don't connect here.' But I would say this: I haven't met somebody who says my sex life is great, but my marriage is on the rocks. Most people I meet they go 'man, we've really worked through the sex stuff and we're connecting on a level there,' and those people I know, when I look at their marriages, [I see that the rest of their relationship] that's clicking as well because women aren't going to have sex with you when their marriage isn't going right. Men are probably open on that than women, but I think it's a real good indication there of how your marriage is really going and so without [sex] I think you're just selling your marriage short. You're missing out on not just a physical element but something that I think is going to connect you like nothing else.
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But it is something that you don't just arrive there and go, 'oh, this is amazing.' I think it takes work, it takes time, it takes years sometimes but conversations will help you get there.
CP: You say that just as a couple's marriage should progress from where it started when you were newlyweds, their sex life should also be progressing. How does a couple do that?
Gross: I look at it as when you start, whether you've had sex or not prior to marriage, when you start having sex with your spouse for the first time, there's still [unrealistic expectations] as close as you are. My wife and I dated for three years and we hadn't had sex and I felt like we're not going to have any problems here. We talked through this and still though, guys probably have more of an unrealistic expectation of it's going to happen all the time, she's going to wake me up, you know all this stuff and when you realize, not walls go up but I feel like when things don't get talked about or when there's disappointment, or when I thought that would happen more or I thought it would be like this, frustrations in the bedroom come from people just not being willing to talk through likes and dislikes.
It is about being comfortable in the most intimate level kind of with your spouse.
I talked to a woman and her husband and she said 'I've never reached orgasm in nine years of having sex,' and she told me that with her husband there and it's like the first time that [she's said that]. And now it's like you're faking it, and two, you're embarrassed. That guy is obviously going 'I'm enjoying this,' she's not; she doesn't want to do it; she feels disappointed and now it's just frustration rather than let's work, let's work to figure out what do you need here and that's the part, especially in the Christian world, where just those conversations feel dirty. Well I would like it if you did this or what about if we tried this, and for some reason I feel like Christians especially, we shut that down like 'ew, I can't talk about that' or we feel like that's wrong.
The joke I made [in the series] about having sex with the lights on. I don't know many guys that aren't visual (no matter what their) wife looks like. They don't care at that point that their wife might have insecurities and so that's a hard thing. Most women, whether they're a model or not, everyone has insecurities and so it's easier to have the lights off and go under the covers. So when you just explain that and you watch the video and we talk though it, then a wife can go to her husband and say would you like to have sex with the lights on and he goes yeah and she goes that's uncomfortable for me but let me work on that for you.
Those are things that now I feel that you can start going 'I did this and that might help you and I would like this' and not feel dirty or gross and feel OK to have those conversations with each other.
