An Adoptive Mother's Journey Through Forgiveness

As an adoptive mother, I faced the challenge of hearing the truth about the wounds inflicted on my children that led to their adoption. Some of these were outside the control of their biological families, such as the monster of poverty or the beast of oppression. Some of these wounds came through wickedness, like witchcraft and greed and strife. Some of these wounds were direct abuse, outside my comprehension of how one might treat a child.

Facing my children’s stories required me to climb a mountain of forgiveness to be released from the unforgiveness I was carrying. So many injustices to overcome. So many people to forgive. People I hadn’t even met and didn’t want to know. It seemed overwhelming. But I’d learned enough about forgiveness by this season of my life to know I couldn’t carry the weight of not forgiving or it would crush me.

As an adoptive mother, I also had to forgive my broken and hurting children as a daily exercise. Their rejection and poor choices trampled my heart and lured me toward the trap of resentment. I had to rise above the way they treated me and accept that their actions were born out of their own issues and not personal to me. But this was truly difficult, to say the least.

I also had to forgive myself. A lot. I made so many mistakes with my children, and I probably still do. I’m still a work in progress, and I think I will be until the day Jesus takes me to heaven.

The Bible showed me that God chooses people for His purposes based on their heart for Him, not their perfection. He can do this because He’s the source of an endless stream of forgiveness He pours out over our lives. The whole story of Jesus is a story about being forgiven. While He was walking this earth, Jesus forgave people everywhere He went. People flocked to Him to feel this cleansing bath of forgiveness. I knew if I loved Jesus, I had to show the same forgiveness He’d shown me. Jesus forgave me not just when He died on the cross for my sins, but over and over again as I seemed to fail daily as an adoptive mother. Through my devotion to Jesus, I tapped into this wellspring of forgiveness.

One of my children came into our family with so much brokenness that she didn’t speak to me for almost a year. To say our relationship was challenged would be a comedic understatement. Her rejection of me cut me to the core. Yet I loved her fiercely and found myself absent of any grudge toward her. There was no explanation for my love toward her. It had to be supernatural. It had to be Jesus.

My younger self would never have had the courage or the desire to keep loving someone who was so unkind to me. But I found myself with love for her, a supply that didn’t run dry. I knew this couldn’t be out of my own stores.  I knew the level of unforgiveness I was capable of. Yet my forgiveness for her overflowed.  I had committed to be a vessel of His love for these children, and His powerful love was flowing through me.

Let me encourage you to give the gift the other person doesn’t deserve. And in the end, you’ll find you’ve been given the bigger gift. Please read this entire freedom- giving prayer before praying it. Then pray the parts relevant for you, adding anything you think needs to be included and remembering to engage your heart.

Forgiveness Prayer for Adoptive Parents

Lord, it’s so hard to forgive when people have truly hurt me. I’ve often just shut them out of my life. I’ve found ways to get back at them. I know that’s not pleasing to you, and I greatly need your help.

Please forgive me, because I know what your Scripture says about forgiveness. But I haven’t always been willing to do it. Forgive me for holding on to grudges and for every ugly thing I’ve done to retaliate. Forgive me for justifying my position and hardening my heart toward people who have wounded me. Forgive me, too, for times I blamed you or judged you and cut you off because of the hurt I’ve received. (Pause to receive God’s forgiveness. Then based on His forgiveness, also forgive yourself.)

Lord, please soften my heart today and help me go deeper with my forgiveness. I choose to forgive both people and organizations I haven’t yet forgiven. I choose to forgive ______ for _______. (Pause and ask the Holy Spirit to bring to mind people and organizations you’ve somehow not yet forgiven. Continue to forgive as you name them, specifically for the way each one hurt you.)

Like David in Psalm 51:10, I cry out, “Create in me a clean heart, O God; and renew a right spirit within me.” Lord, please restore my relationship with the people I’ve forgiven. If this isn’t appropriate, however, give me a right attitude toward them. In Jesus’ name, amen

This excerpt is from Healing for Every Heart in Adoption: Redemptive Prayers and Strategies for Adoptive Parents, Adoptees, and Birth Parents , now 30% off at Christian-owned Baker Book House. The book is written by adoption advocates Betsy S. Kylstra, Lisa C. Qualls, and Jodi Jackson.

Betsy Kylstra is co-founder of Restoring the Foundations International, RTF Healing House Network of ministers, and RTF International Training Center.

Lisa Qualls is a bestselling author, speaker, and co-founder of The Adoption Connection podcast and website.

Jodi Jackson Tucker is an advocate, author, and founder of Second Mothers ministry for foster and adoptive mothers and their kids.

Learn more at SecondMothers.com