Help! My child identifies as LGBT, and I don't know what to do
"This is who I am, Mom. Why can't you and Dad accept that I'm trans?" Shouted a 17-year-old who now identifies as a young man.
What would you say if that were your son or daughter? Or perhaps this is a conversation you've had with one of your kids.
My heart truly goes out to anyone who has witnessed the pain of a child struggling with their sexual orientation or gender identity.
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As parents guided by Christian values, we are called to embody God's love and truth. But what does this call look like when faced with deeply personal and potentially divisive differences? How can you stand by your beliefs while unconditionally loving a child who identifies as LGBT?
In this article, you will discover practical wisdom for listening without passing judgment, communicating your convictions with gentleness, and, most importantly, demonstrating Christ's love in every interaction with your LGBT-identified child.
As a pastor and family speaker, I've connected with countless parents and grandparents. They've opened up about the emotional rollercoaster they experienced while coming to terms with their child or grandchild's identification as LGBT. Their stories were marked by profound sorrow, inner turmoil, and a genuine desire to understand their children better.
In challenging circumstances like these, I've found that there are three common directions or approaches that parents are faced with when their child comes out as LGBT: catering, caving, and embracing compassionate conviction.
When a child comes out, some parents may feel the urge to cater to (or accommodate) their child's identity. They might think, "What's wrong with being more accepting of their feelings or being open to the idea of LGBT? They're young. They'll outgrow it eventually. Maybe they will grow out of it if I don't make it a big deal?"
The second tendency is for a parent to CAVE and give in to their son or daughter when they come out. In this position, the parent thinks, "I am committed to maintaining a close and supportive relationship with my child. While I may find it difficult to discuss their sexual identity with them, I will work on being more inclusive and affirming of their identification as LGBT."
While "catering to" and "caving in" may seem like effective approaches, they usually aren't the best way to handle things. The biblical response does not involve conforming to or giving in. Instead, the biblical response is to demonstrate compassionate conviction for your child despite their identification as LGBT. It is this approach that I plead with parents to take as they focus on showing love to their children and maintaining a connection with them. Even if you don't fully understand or approve of your child being LGBT, prioritize providing support rather than trying to control your child. You express to them, "I love you no matter what and will always accept you as my child. However, as a follower of Jesus Christ, I believe that deviating from who God made you to be and what He has called you to do will only lead to more sin, sorrow, and pain in your life. I hope you won't settle for that. I pray that you will turn to Jesus, and I want you to know that I will always be here for you."
I just want to emphasize that not affirming your child as "LGBT" doesn't equate to hating them or being LGBT-phobic. It's important to understand that some people who affirm LGBT identities might say otherwise, but it's crucial to know that you can still support and love your child regardless. For more information on how to respond to the 'gay-revisionist' movement, I encourage you to check out a few of my other articles:
- 'Love is Love'? Three reasons to rethink the mantra
- Is it fair to say because Jesus didn't mention homosexuality, he was for it?
- Challenging Conversations: Are people gay because God made them that way?
When prompted by the Holy Spirit, it's essential to speak the truth rather than share it whenever you feel like it. When talking to your child, remember that truth-telling doesn't mean giving a sermon or lecture. If they are not receptive to hearing what you have to say or how you feel, it's best to say nothing (see Proverbs 10:19; 21:23).
Take it from a Christian mom who shares how to get out of God's way and love your LGBT-identified child:
Our job is not to remind them of their sin. God has called us to pray, love, and speak truth when necessary. How we share the truth and the intent of our heart in that sharing is just as important as the truth we want to share or the truth we feel they need to hear.
Do you want to prove a point or win an argument? Take your words and heart before the Lord first and get His wisdom and insight. Just because truth can be spoken doesn't mean it needs to come from our mouths every time.
When you have the right heart and the Holy Spirit is prompting you to speak, don't withhold the truth and let the truth do its job. There are indeed times when the truth needs to be spoken. But unless something new has come up, don't continue to bring up their sin every time you are with them. But remember, your child is not a problem to fix but a person to love.
Seeing your son or daughter grapple with their identity can be challenging, but remember, God's love for them is unwavering. The Bible tells us in Romans 8:38-39 that "neither death nor life, nor angels nor rulers, nor things present nor things to come, nor powers, nor height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God in Christ Jesus our Lord."
It's not your responsibility as a parent to change or modify your child. That's not your role. Instead, your duty is to guide your child toward Jesus. A parent's love is important, but it cannot fix everything. Only Jesus can bring peace and forgiveness to the brokenness and confusion that a child may be experiencing about their sexuality or gender identity.
As you navigate this journey with your LGBT-identified child, remember not to let fear or embarrassment stop you from seeking help. Reach out to supportive communities and trust that as you strengthen your bond with your child, you will lead by example with Christ-like love.
Jason Jimenez is the founder and president of Stand Strong Ministries and is a respected Christian-worldview speaker, and faculty member at Summit Ministries. He is the best-selling author of Hijacking Jesus: How Progressive Christians Are Remaking Him and Taking Over the Church, Challenging Conversations: A Practical Guide to Discuss Controversial Topics in the Church, and Parenting Gen Z: Guiding Your Child through a Hostile Culture.
