I Refuse to See Myself as a Victim and So Should You
I grew up on a small farm with big problems. Although I appeared to have a normal life on the outside, I was full of anger, bitterness, and frustration. I had every reason in the world to see myself as a victim. A lot could be said about my life growing up, but one of my greatest hurts came from a man by the name of Wayne Bailey, and what he did to me.
Wayne was a hired hand who worked around the house for us. He was also a child molester. He took advantage of me whenever he could, whenever an opportunity presented itself. Even if my parents were gone for just a few hours, he'd come looking for me. Wayne would sneak up slowly, and eventually, I'd feel his long, bony fingers on my shoulder. As soon as he touched me, I wanted to scream, but I never did. I wanted to run away, but where would I go? Who could help me? Instead, my mind went numb. I was six years old when this started happening.
My parents didn't know what was going on. I tried to tell my mom about it, but she didn't believe me. In fact, she whipped me with a twig from a Willow tree until I cried out "I'm lying!" Apparently, such a conversation was "unfit for discussion." Eventually, when I was thirteen years old, I took matters into my own hands. As Wayne was preparing his routine against me I threw my arms around his neck and said, "If you ever touch me again, I will kill you!" It worked. After seven years of that nightmare, Wayne finally stopped, but it left me feeling like a victim, like sexually damaged goods.
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This may sound crazy, but I refuse to see myself that way. I refuse to see myself as a victim. I refuse to see myself as sexually damaged goods. There is nothing Wayne or anyone else could ever do to me which would change that. That is not who I am. And if you have been sexually abused, that is not who you are.
One of our problems today is that we live in a culture which is driven by feelings. I rode that wagon for a long time, and it nearly destroyed me. My feelings left me hopeless, lonely, angry, and bitter. However, I learned an important lesson during my time in college, and it changed my life. I learned the power of truth. I learned that I am not a victim despite my feelings at any given moment. I learned that my history as a rape victim does not change the truth of my identity. Truth doesn't change. I can hold onto it even when I experience hard days. It is the truth that I am made in God's image, with infinite value dignity and worth. Jesus Christ died for my sins, forgives me, makes me new, and calls me his beloved son.
Yes, I am a Christian. But I did not "feel" my way toward belief in Jesus Christ. In fact, my conversion into Christianity went against all of my feelings at the time! I hated God because I thought he abandoned me. But after months trying to disprove the Christian faith, I ended up realizing that the evidence to believe in Jesus had me backed into a corner which I could not escape. I did not know it at the time, but becoming a Christian ended up as the greatest thing to ever happen in my life. I learned what it means to be free from my past and how to move forward in freedom. As Jesus said, "You shall know the truth, and the truth shall set you free" (John 8:32).
This is why I care about my faith, and why so many people know me as the author of Evidence That Demands a Verdict, which I recently revised and updated with my son Sean. I have experienced freedom that comes only through truth, and I want others to experience it as well.
Wayne hurt me deeply. But despite my feelings of bitterness and anger, I chose to forgive him. This may sound strange or even repugnant, because it goes against everything we tend to feel about sexual offenders. However, I came to believe that Jesus died for Wayne as much as he died for you and me.
Being willing to forgive Wayne, despite my feelings to the contrary, brought freedom to my life. Truth sets people free, even amidst painful and confusing feelings. I refuse to see myself as a victim. And if you have been sexually abused, or hurt in some other fashion, I hope you will also refuse to see yourself as a victim.
