Recognizing loss: Sanctity of life
January is Sanctity of Human Life month. It also happens to be the month that I lost my first child to miscarriage eleven years ago. My husband, Dan, and I had just set out on a new adventure the last day of 2009. After much prayer, we decided to move from Detroit to Peoria, Ill. We spent New Year’s Eve driving through a blizzard with a full moving truck, two Golden Retrievers, a baby in my belly, and the promise that God would never leave us nor forsake us.
Three days after arriving in Peoria, I miscarried, and my entire world fell apart. I questioned whether God was as good as my Christian faith had always told me He was. Did He really love me any longer? Was anything I formerly thought to be true really true? My new year, my fresh start, had suddenly turned into a nightmare.
Since miscarrying my child, I have heard countless stories from women in similar situations. However, unlike my story, many women choose to suffer this loss alone. Dan and I had ignored the old adage to wait until after the first trimester to tell people about the pregnancy. We had told everyone. In fact, I started wearing maternity clothes immediately because I was so excited. When we lost our little one, the kindness and care that our brand new community showered on us was ultimately what saved me.
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I had just arrived in a new, unfamiliar town. After losing my baby, I also felt alone and isolated. However, because we had shared our pregnancy, several people anticipated our arrival. My loneliness did not last long, as God’s body, His Church, began to minister to my hurting soul. Women I did not know began calling me, dropping off meals, inviting me over. Sometimes we would talk about my loss, but most often we would just be. They cried with me. They prayed for me. They loved me when I was at my most unlovable. Soon, I was unable to deny the fact that my hurt was being tenderly cared for with the salve of Christ’s love in action.
These unselfish acts by women I did not know were what God used to reach down and tell me He saw me. He was suffering this loss with me. I was not a forsaken woman left to carry this pain alone. I was His beloved daughter, and He cared. There was no other explanation for these strangers caring for me so tenderly. And this was a game-changer for me.
One in five pregnancies ends in miscarriage, an article from Market Watch reports. Yet, miscarriage remains a subject hushed. Rayna Markin, a psychologist and associate professor at Villanova University, told Market Watch that women also receive “strong messages from society that [miscarriage] details are too disgusting to talk about and should be silenced.” While there is risk in publicly processing loss, the reward of community during grief is much greater.
Grieving is an important process that people are often uncomfortable with. The Apostle Paul encourages Christians to “rejoice with those who rejoice; mourn with those who mourn” (Romans 12:15, ESV). King Solomon tells us, “It is better to go to the house of mourning than to go to the house of feasting, for this is the end of all mankind…” (Ecclesiastes 7:2, ESV). The American Psychological Association states, “Everyone reacts differently to death and employs personal coping mechanisms for grief. Research shows that most people can recover from loss on their own through the passage of time if they have social support and healthy habits. It may take months or a year to come to terms with a loss.”
The key here is having support from those closest to you and healthy coping habits in place. After my miscarriage, a community I didn’t even know surrounded me and lifted my head up when I could not. I forced myself to exercise, and soon found my daily run helped me work out emotions that had built up physically. Once a few months passed, I realized I wanted a tangible way to memorialize my child, so Dan and I commissioned a small monument in our little one’s honor. We settled the memorial in a beautiful spot that we visit often. After several years, I reached the stage in my grief where I could focus my efforts on helping others. I began writing my story. I spoke at several engagements. And I recognized an opportunity within the organization where I work – Samaritan Ministries International.
Samaritan Ministries is a health care sharing ministry of members who are believers in Jesus and who have committed to care for one another spiritually, emotionally, and financially when there is a medical need. It struck me that I continued to see our members posting requests for prayer due to miscarriage, stillbirth, and early childhood loss. My heart broke for these moms and dads as I empathized with their pain. And then I realized what had been done for me could be duplicated here. So, a small team of people created Little One Ministry in May 2018.
We gather monthly to prepare care packages that include small gifts to honor the little ones who have passed away, booklets entitled “Mourning with Hope,” and hand-written notes of prayer. We hope these parents know they are not alone; God sees them right where they are, and they are loved. We have sent nearly 1,500 packages to date.
It is fitting that I remember my first baby’s passing during the same month that we honor the sanctity of human life. Life is sacred. The Psalmist recognizes this with, “You formed my inward parts; you knitted me together in my mother’s womb. I praise you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made” (Psalm 139: 13-14, ESV). With the birth of our precious daughter, Michaela Berniece, in 2011, I felt a deep victory over the lies Satan had spun to me about God’s goodness. Two years after Michaela, Dan and I welcomed our son, Boaz Clark, and we pray his strength lies in the knowledge of God’s Word. And now, on New Year’s Eve 2020 we welcomed our first foster son into our family. Life is sacred in all its forms, and this month we honor that.
Amanda Wilton is the marketing coordinator for Samaritan Ministries International. Originally from Detroit, Michigan, she now resides in Peoria, Illinois, with her husband and children. Amanda has the joy of helping Christians across the world connect in community when there is a medical need. Amanda’s background is in public relations, and she holds a master’s degree in PR & Organizational Communication from Wayne State University.
