25 easy tips to make you and your spouse closer than ever
Do you feel like you and your spouse are “growing apart?” What can you do about it?
“We’ve grown apart.”
How many times have we heard a husband, or a wife say those words? How many times have we thought those very words ourselves? Then they are usually followed by, “I’m not happy. I love you, but I’m not in love with you anymore. I want out.”
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Couples do not “grow apart.” They consciously let go.
They stop doing the sweet, kind things they used to say and do in the beginning of their relationship.
He stops being her boyfriend; she stops being his girlfriend.
Maybe you feel like you’ve grown apart from your spouse. I remember being married about six years when I reached that point. Two toddlers, a bigger mortgage than we could really afford, my husband working endless hours to make ends meet, me stressed out and overwhelmed, and feeling very unhappy and disconnected. (Does that remind you of anyone?)
Now think back to when you two were dating and then newly married. What are the things you said and did back then that you’re not doing today?
You see, people don’t just grow together. In fact, it’s the opposite. On the front end of a relationship we intentionally seek ways to woo our beloved, impress them, get them to like us, make them feel loved and desired. Why? Because we want them to choose us!
We made it a point to spend every possible waking moment together, and in fact, we consciously carved out time to be together. Why did we stop?
Truth be told, we all had a hard time keeping our hands off of each other when we were dating, didn’t we? We tried to spend every free hour together, didn’t we? We pursued each other whole heartedly, promising to love, honor, and cherish until death separates us. Didn’t we?
And then, gradually, at some point, we stopped.
We could ask why, but it doesn’t really matter. What matters is that we need to realize that we have stopped being sweet, warm, enthusiastic, fun, forgiving, available, attentive and loving.
The problem is we don’t see it as a choice we have the power to make every day; Instead, we see it as something that happens to us, something over which we seemingly have no control. But that’s just not true. Couples spend a lot of years unhappy when they don’t have to be. What a waste!
So whether you’ve been married for 25 years or you’re a newlywed who wants to avoid that emotional drift, I have the answer for you! Couples who do this every day, stay emotionally connected, feel a deep sense of belonging, and actually grow closer, more profoundly attached, and satisfied in their relationship.
Here it is:
If you wake up every morning, look at your spouse and say to yourself, “What can I do today to make him/her happy to be alive and married to me?” you won’t grow apart.
That’s it! It’s really very simple, isn’t it? A great place to start is by doing those things that made you fall in love with each other in the first place!
Here’s some helpful reminders:
Ask each morning, “How can I help you today? And how can I pray for you today?” (and be sure to do it!)
Send them out the door with a hug and a kiss, saying, “I miss you already!”
Figure out their love language and learn to speak it fluently and frequently — at least once every day.
Ask if they want the last piece of chocolate cake before you take it.
Ask their opinion about a matter you’ve been disagreeing on, and tell them, “I think you’re right. Let’s do it your way.” Do it even if you disagree (unless it’s immoral, illegal or dangerous).
When they offer advice on something, say, “That’s a good idea, I’ll try it!” and then do it.
Compliment them daily — in private and in public, especially in front of your children.
Show them non-sexual physical affection daily — hold hands in the car or while you’re walking, put your arm around her in church, a quick pat on the behind as you walk by, a long good morning hug and kiss.
Tease suggestively and make sexy comments throughout the day. Then be a warm, enthusiastic partner in the bedroom.
Never disparage them to other people or in front of your kids.
Say “thank you” often throughout the day — even for the little, ordinary things they do.
Greet them at the door at the end of every day with a long hug and 5-second kiss, saying, “I’m so glad you’re home! I missed you!”
Pause, take their face in your hands, and tell them, “I’m so glad I’m married to you!”
Ask if they want something from the kitchen when you get up to get yourself something.
Put the toothpaste on their toothbrush and leave it by the sink for them.
Turn on the electric blanket on their side of the bed before they come to bed so it’s toasty warm for them.
Bring them coffee in the morning/evening just the way they like it. If you don’t know how they like it, ask them!
Offer to help the kids with their homework while they take a hot bath or shower.
Tell him how proud of him you are and that you believe in him.
Tell her she’s beautiful and how much you love her.
If you’ve been home all day, just before your spouse gets home, pick up the house, shave/put on lipstick, comb your hair, spray on some perfume/cologne, and put on something cute to wear.
Ask them: What’s your biggest dream? If money were no object, what would you want to do? And then just listen and reflect back what they say. No criticizing, no reality checking, no defensiveness. Just listen and say, “Tell me more about that…”
Make it a point to spend at least 30 minutes a day alone together, talking, catching up, asking about each other’s day, following up on their morning prayer request.
When they mess up or make a mistake, hold your tongue, take them in your arms, and say, “Don’t worry. We can fix it. It’s ok.”
Be willing to apologize first. Take the initiative and say, “I’m sorry. I was wrong. Please forgive me.”
Do several of these things every day for two weeks and see the difference it makes in you, your spouse and your relationship!
Alisa Grace is the Co-Director of the Center for Marriage & Relationships at Biola University.
