5 myths we believe about finding 'The One'

By Abram Goff, Op-ed contributor Sunday, June 11, 2023

God said, "She's The One."

If you live around single Christians who want to please God long enough, you’ll run into this conversation a few times — or maybe experience it yourself. We completely believe God cares and is invested passionately and intimately in our lives and speaks to us about our relationships. We also realize that there could be some other areas and beliefs influencing how you hear God.

Myth #1: There is "The One'

I love the idea of “the one.” Someone who we are destined to be with because we fit so perfectly together that joy and love will overflow until “happily ever after” bleeds into eternity. Romantic comedies, online stories, Facebook posts, and even some Christian books seem to love the idea of “the one” as well.

Surprisingly, and thankfully, it’s not actually true. I believe there is “the one” you choose and “the one” you will marry, but not that there is only “one” meant for you or “the one” who will “complete you.”

The concept of “the one” who completes you is based on a theory from Plato who surmised how Zeus was threatened by the growth of humanity, so he split the ancient pro-typical human, “round people,” into two halves and separated them on the globe. This way humanity would be so distracted trying to find “their other half” they wouldn’t try and overthrow the gods. While most of us don’t believe that today, we still have the fantasy of finding “the one” who will complete us or whom we were destined for.

If you look at it practically though, it would be kind of cruel and pressuring of God to only give us one option. If Matt and Mary were supposed to marry, but Matt married Susan. Susan was supposed to get married to Sam. Now Sam has to find someone else and so does Mary. Both of them are marrying the wrong people causing a chain reaction and messing up the perfect harmony for the rest of us. Gessh, thanks, Matt.

Rather than looking at your potential spouse as “the one” and the only one you have, God showing you many “ones” that would work.

I’d like to propose people are like flavors. Each person carries a unique taste of who God is to the Earth. You’re not looking for the only one option to join, you’re looking for someone you can pair with. Let’s say you’re Peanut Butter. Maybe you find Jelly. Perfect, great fit, but not the only option. You could also find Pancakes, Ritz Crackers, Chocolate, Bananas, or a Pie Crust to pair quite nicely with. There is no “one” perfect fit. You have options to pair with.

Myth #2: But God said it, so I must obey

God is love. One of the main tenants of love is choice. That’s what makes love powerful. It’s also what makes romantic love enjoyable. I don’t want my wife to be handed to me by a dictator who’s forcing her to marry me, nor do I want her to think that I’m marrying her because I was told to. I want her to be desired and chosen in partnership with God. I want to be chosen.

Consider this: God is the best relationship you could ever engage with. He is perfect love, gives perfect love, has no baggage, always has plenty to give, knows exactly what is good for you, and has literally laid down His life so you could live and thrive. If God, who is the perfect relationship, doesn’t force you into that relationship with Himself, but gives you a choice, why would He force you into a relationship with someone else? He is giving you the choice to be in a relationship with Him and with someone of the opposite sex for romance.

I think we often want God to dictate to us who she is so we don’t have to make a choice because we’re afraid of pain or afraid to mess up our life. We think if God picks for us, it’ll be perfect and without issues. The reality is you’re still two humans with different personalities, choices, opinions, and histories coming together and learning what it means to become one. Just because God approves it, doesn’t necessarily mean you’ll have no problems. He just knows it’ll end well (in growth and becoming more like Jesus) for both of you.

Myth #3: But God pointed her out to me!

A few years ago, God gave me initials and a description of my wife. A few weeks later, I met a girl that met the description. She was not what I expected, but I thought, “Well if this is your will, I’ll go for it,” and pursued her. Nothing came out of it. I was a little confused, but also relieved.

A few months later, God showed me another girl. On my way home, I could feel God nudging me. “What do you think about Susan?” I thought she was nice, just not really my type, but I was trying to be obedient, “uh … I don’t know. I mean, if she’s my wife, I’ll try to…” God politely interrupted, “I didn’t say ‘She’s your wife.' I said ‘What do you think about, Susan?’”

In that moment, years of confusing pursuits of women were clarified. God wasn’t the dictator pointing out who it should be, He was a Father sitting next to His son, nudging his elbow and saying, “Hey, what do you think of her? She’s quality.” Then engaging with how His son responds.

Many times we hear God and translate his words through our filters of what we believe about God. When He said, “How about her?” I understood “She’s your wife” because I believed there was one option and I was waiting for the arrow to drop on her pointing her out.

Yes, I do believe God knows who I’ll ultimately marry, but I also believe God walks with me in the middle of the journey to discover what my heart enjoys rather than dictating to me the end that I will achieve. It’s much more about the discovery of myself, freedom, and how to love. He celebrates each time I find something attractive in a woman and pursue her courageously. Like a good Father, He pats me on the back with an “atta boy” because I rose up, gave love a chance, loved well, and tag-teamed it with him.

Myth #4: God said it, so I need to make it happen

First off, exhale. Take that pressure off your back. It’s not your responsibility to make sure you win her, woo her, convince her, and do everything right. You’re now working to prove a promise rather than enjoying and choosing the person. If God really did make the statement that you two will get together, then it’s on Him to fulfill that. Not you. (Philippians 2:13). It’s your job to walk with God, keeping the dialogue open, and loving the person well.

Also, if God told you, you two will get married, don’t tell the other person. Let Him tell her if/when He decides. It’s not your secret to share. When you tell the other person “God said we will get married” you’ve 1) taken away their choice, 2) manipulated them into marrying you, 3) taken away their journey with God. It’s not fun for anyone. If you two get married, it’s something beautiful you can share on your honeymoon about how God led you.

Myth #5: If it didn't work out, I didn't hear God

This is a lie from the enemy confusing your relationship with God. Yes, maybe you didn’t hear everything as clearly as you wanted, or maybe God was doing something in each side of you that was good, it just didn’t end in marriage.

Again, He’s not as one-track-minded as we are. I’m not talking about casual dating and playing with someone’s heart, but I do believe God can use dating to do more in our working out freedom and wholeness while becoming like Christ that doesn’t solely have a marriage outcome. He’s not as afraid of the break up as we are.

Through dating, I have learned how to be brave, how to give my heart a voice, how to love without anticipation in return, how to listen better, how to cook and clean (trying to impress a woman is a strong motivator), how to work hard, how to enjoy life and not just work, how to communicate much better, the intense engagement of God in every area of my life, and how to listen of how to love people beyond my means.

If my perspective going into a dating relationship is to leave this person better than when I met them, regardless of the outcome, then she and I cannot lose. Love is about what you can give, not what you can get. In each relationship or pursuit, God has done something not only in my life but in hers as well.

3 yeses to make it work

One last thing, let’s go back to choice. It takes three yeses for a relationship to work. Your yes. Her yes. God’s yes.

If you have 2/3, it doesn’t work. If you and she said yes but God said, “this isn’t good for you two,” it doesn’t work. You can choose her, God can approve, and she can not be interested, then it doesn't work. God is not going to override your free will and the power of your choice. All three have a say and a choice in the relationship. When it’s got a green light from all three, you can proceed and see what comes of it.

God is intimately engaged in your single life, your dating life and your marriage. He’s not going to dictate your future spouse and command you to obey as a robot. He will lead you in your desires to a good fit for you. Then you get to choose if you want to proceed in the relationship and commit. You can trust Him. He will only lead you to Life. Ask God to show you what you’re looking for in a future partner and who would be good options. Then ask for courage to take steps forward and for ideas of how to pursue that relationship. Be brave. Relationships can be messy, but love is worth the risk.

Abram Goff is wired to help men become men and win in relationships. His passion is to see people across the nations extravagantly fall in love with Jesus and walk in passion, purity, and purpose. He spent his teens and 20s navigating life, the nations, and relationships before meeting his wife in Switzerland in his 30s. Now, his friends call him the "real life hitch" because he's leads the Date Well Program (letsdatewell.com) and is all about helping people navigate and be successful in relationships.