Christian men: Why we need to be emotional beings
In the TV series "The Chosen," we witness the disciples as men capable of expressing a range of emotions – except for Matthew. Collectively, they demonstrate vulnerability, candor, and empathic behavior. On the other hand, they also show a frequent inability to agree with each other on a host of issues, which makes for entertaining viewing.
But overall, under the guidance of their teacher, the Lord Jesus Christ, these men amplify the emotional approach Christian men should take in their spiritual walk. However, being emotionally engaged and vulnerable is not typical for most men, including believers. Instead, many are emotionally unavailable and struggle to connect with others, including loved ones.
It is a complaint voiced by many women: “He is so distant and shows little emotion. It leaves me feeling lonely in this relationship.” How is it possible that followers of Jesus, who demonstrated a range of emotions, can be so aloof when it comes to being emotionally engaged? There are two reasons.
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First, Western cultural forces tell men to keep their emotions in check, with the exception of anger. Men are expected to maintain a demeanor of strength and not express their emotions, especially sadness and fear. The second reason is the result of inadequate nurturing and guidance during early childhood development when children should be learning social skills such as attunement, empathy, trust, connection, emotional regulation, and dealing with emotional distress. The result of missing these growth points is the creation of emotionally undeveloped men.
Distance From God
Among the challenges facing those who are emotionally undeveloped are: being inwardly focused, unable to handle emotional distress, lacking mindfulness, being compulsive, lack of contentment, inability to manage moods, having a tendency to isolate, and a struggle to connect with others, including God.
Scripture tells us in Proverbs 18:1: “A man who isolates himself seeks his own desire; He rages against all wise judgment.”
Emotionally undeveloped Christian men are self-centered men who are fearful of allowing anyone to get too close. Past trauma and neglect have left them believing no one cares and they are on their own regarding having their needs met. They also believe this is true of God. And it makes sense if someone cannot trust others, how do they put their faith and confidence in God? The simple answer is they don’t.
Instead, they project upon God the negative emotions they feel about themselves such as “I’m not loveable”, “I am a disappointment,” and “I don’t measure up.” They transfer their self-loathing onto God, believing He feels the same way about them. This only leads to these men turning more inward and becoming more isolated.
Learn from Scripture
It is a long road for men to break free from their lack of emotional development. They must walk the path of re-parenting themselves while taking risks and learning how God sees them. And that starts by learning who God is instead of continuing to believe the lies they have told themselves for years. When men spend time in Scripture they find a Father who is loving and forgiving.
Men will find a God who says "stand before me and show me your shame,” not so He can belittle and mock, but to remove it because no Prince of the King should carry the burden of toxic shame.
Men also discover other men who were not ashamed to show their emotions, including King David. Through the Psalms, we find David expressing various emotions ranging from fear and sadness to praise and gratitude. They also see how Jesus expressed emotion, including weeping for his friend Lazarus and showing compassion to many sinners who turned to Him for forgiveness.
Other helpful steps
If you desire to break free from your emotional cocoon, consider the following:
1. Be aware of your emotions, and do not minimize what you feel. Your emotions are God-given, and not utilizing them means you are living an incomplete life. You do not have to wear them on your sleeve, but you need to be cognizant that they exist.
2. When an emotion appears, ask yourself, “why am I feeling this?” Your goal is to gain insights regarding your moods and how to express them effectively. It is not uncommon for the emotions you feel, such as anger, fear, or sadness, to serve as camouflage for other, more deeply rooted emotions you are avoiding.
3. Do not react to your emotions, instead, put them against God’s truth. Ask yourself, “will these emotions allow me to demonstrate and act with a Christ-like heart, or will they be destructive?” We want to honor God in everything we do, including handling our emotions healthily.
Eddie Capparucci is a Licensed Professional Counselor with a private practice in Marietta, GA. He is certified in the treatment of sexual and pornography addiction and the administrator of the website MenAgainstPorn.org. He also is the author of the book Going Deeper: How the Inner Child Impacts Your Sexual Addiction and the creator of the Inner Child Recovery Process for the Treatment of Sex and Porn Addiction. You can learn more at http://www.innerchild-sexaddiction.com
