Dear Toxic Wife: Start Changing Your Behavior
It happened without me even realizing. I never fathomed I would be the cause of such pain. For as long as I can remember I have wanted nothing more than to make my husband happy.
That wasn't happening though. He was feeling like I didn't care what he had to say. He felt like I didn't think he was doing anything right. I was being emotionally irresponsible. I was being a toxic wife.
My words weren't life giving or edifying; they were ripping apart the foundation of our relationship. There have been times throughout my marriage that instead of acting the way God created me to I chose to manipulate the situation to get the result I wanted. I would use guilt with a self seeking goal in mind. That's what the toxic wife does.
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"A good wife is her husband's pride and joy; but a wife who brings shame on her husband is like a cancer in his bones." - Proverbs 12:4 (GNT)
The toxic wife is someone we can easily become if we aren't cautious. I share this with you not to say I am doing it right all the time or to bring condemnation, but to tell you we have to be alert and ready to stop the toxic wife syndrome in it's tracks.
Here is what The Toxic Wife does for her husband:
- She tries to control her husband
- She treats her husband as if he were inferior
- She finds fault in everything her husband does
- She plays the "victim card" with her husband
- She is focused on herself and nobody else
- She ignores the needs of her husband
- She doesn't take the time to do things with him
- She thinks she is always right and never apologizes
- She tears him down in conversations
- She is not supportive of him
It's not fun to own up to it when we find ourselves living in the toxic wife cycle. I'll be blunt....it stinks to admit that you are being controlling and self-centered. The good thing about admitting this issue though is what comes next, if you'll allow it. The moment you address and recognize the problem for what it is God steps in and begins to transform your heart all while breathing love and life back into the relationship. Just because we have been or may be acting as the toxic wife does, doesn't mean we are destined to be that way forever. If we step back and ask God to stir our hearts and open our eyes as to how we can become the wives our husband's need then we will be able to shift our way of thinking and lay down the baggage.
Here is what The Godly Wife does for her husband:
- She allows and encourages her husband to lead
- She treats her husband as the man of God he was created to be, she doesn't try to make him what she thinks he should be
- She finds beauty and joy in everything her husband does
- She openly and intentionally listens to the needs of her husband
- She is focused on others and places her own wants to the side for the sake of living as Jesus Christ did
- She prays without ceasing for the Lord's will to be done in her husband's life
- She speaks life into him, she doesn't tear him down
- She is led by the Word of God and not her own emotions
- She is gentle and loving in her actions
- She is supportive of him and walks alongside him as his helper
"The heart of her husband trusts in her, and he will have no lack of gain. She does him good, and not harm, all the days of her life." - Proverbs 31:11-12 (ESV)
We have to know what makes us change from the godly wife we were destined to be to the toxic wife that causes harm. For me I have noticed that I grow increasingly impatient with my husband. Things that wouldn't typically bother me begin to annoy the tarnation out of me. I start checking out of conversations as soon as they begin. My desire to be around him begins to dim. These are the first signs.
Instead of running with those and just letting "life" play out, I have to make the conscience choice to lean on what God says I ought to be doing. When those symptoms enter my mind it is up to me to bring them to the feet of Jesus.
Things to do when The Toxic Wife Syndrome tries to take over:
- Ask God to come into the situation
- Pray for wisdom on how best to navigate the emotions you are having
- Get into God's Word
(This one seems obvious but when the moment arises it's often one of the last things we do)
- Speak biblical truth over your marriage and your identity
- Apologize to your husband for the way you may have mistreated him
- Forgive yourself
(In order to fully shift from the toxic wife to the godly wife we have to leave all guilt and shame at the cross)
"A man who finds a wife finds a good thing and obtains favor from the Lord." - Proverbs 18:22 (HCSB)
You and I can both be the wife God calls us to be. You and I can be the wife our husband needs. We are highly favored daughters of the King and that means something. Our marriage is our mission field. We need to be cautious to not get into a rut. We have got to be intentional in making God the cornerstone, the centerpiece and the foundation of our relationship. It's not our job to make our husbands behave the way we think they should. It is our job to make ourselves into the woman God always intended us to be.
Originally posted at Undeniably God Ministries.
