Fight Fair in Love and Spending

Don't try to avoid conflict. Instead, learn to fight fair. Here's how.

By Matt Bell, Tuesday, January 02, 2018

Every healthy relationship involves conflict. In fact, psychologist John Gottman, who has spent decades studying what makes marriages last, believes that "fighting . . . can be one of the healthiest things a couple can do for their relationship.

In his book, Why Marriages Succeed or Fail, Gottman says how you fight as a couple is "one of the most telling ways to diagnose the health of your marriage."

So, don't try to avoid conflict. Instead, learn to fight fair. Here's how.

Complain, Don't Criticize. A complaint focuses on the other person's behavior; criticism focuses on his or her character. An example of a complaint is "You overspent the clothing budget again this month." It becomes criticism when you blame or verbally attack the other person by adding a comment such as, "That was really selfish."

Avoid Contempt. Even worse than criticism, contempt insults or psychologically abuses your partner. An example: "What's the matter with you? Don't you ever think before you spend?"

Be vigilant about not letting these types of comments creep into your relationship. Think about the words you use and avoid any that convey contempt.

Listen Well. When you're on the receiving end of a complaint, your instinct will be to respond quickly. Go against that instinct. Instead, listen actively to what the other person has to say. Make sure you understand the issue by asking clarifying questions and mirroring back what you hear.

Speak Non-Defensively. Defensiveness, which includes denying responsibility and making excuses, turns up the heat on arguments. When she says, "I think you're spending too much on golf," it won't help to storm back with, "I have to spend sixty dollars whenever I play; that's how much it costs!"

Try this instead: "Well, let's take a look at our budget and see how much I've spent this month compared to the golf budget we both agreed on. If I've spent too much this month, I'll make up for it next month by finding some less expensive places to play or by playing less often."

Stay With It. Gottman says men especially are likely to bail out of an argument. Even if they don't grab the remote in the middle of the conversation and switch on SportsCenter, they may check out by responding with silence. Guys: stay focused.

Two Keys to a Great Marriage

Gottman draws two simple, powerful conclusions from his years of studying what makes for a healthy marriage. The first is a straightforward mathematical formula: "You must have five times as many positive as negative moments together if your marriage is to be stable." The second is this: "Most couples I've worked with over the years really wanted just two things from their marriage — love and respect." (I that sounds familiar, it should — check Ephesians 5:33.)

While men and women both need love and respect, a woman especially needs to feel loved by her husband. A man especially needs to feel respected by his wife.

This point about love and respect may make for some helpful conversation in your relationship. Women, ask the man in your life, "What do I do, financially speaking, that makes you feel respected?" And, "What else could I do?" Guys, ask the woman in your life, "What do I do, financially speaking, that makes you feel loved." And, "What else could I do?"

The insights you gain from this conversation could go a long way toward making money work really well in your relationship.

Matt Bell is the associate editor of Sound Mind Investing, America's best-selling investment newsletter written from a biblical perspective. SMI helps people manage money well so they can truly live well and give generously.