How churches can help betrayed spouses navigate trauma
Wives who’ve been betrayed by their husbands in the worst possible way often endure an additional betrayal — an unconsciously incompetent church.
What, then, can be done to help this misunderstood and hurting group of people?
First, it’s vital to get a grasp on the issue and define the terms.
For those who have experienced the betrayal of an extramarital affair or porn or sex addiction, it feels like a tornado has ripped through our lives without warning, leaving destruction and heartache in its wake. As a betrayed wife myself, I detailed my journey through this heartache and the path to healing in my book Healing Steps, and I can tell you that the phenomenon of betrayal trauma is a pervasive yet often silent epidemic.
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Betrayal trauma is inflicted by someone we deeply trust, compounded by the emotional, psychological, and sometimes physical abuse that has been suffered. The symptoms are severe: hair loss, insomnia, anxiety, depression, PTSD, and more. Women suffering from this trauma often do so in silence, bearing the shame and guilt of their partner's actions. We are left feeling exposed and questioning our worth and choices, seeking safety and support in a world that either misunderstands or ignores our plight. We assume that the world would not understand this, but the Church? We expect the Church to be helpful, not harmful. We expect the world to be unsafe and the church to be safe.
But unfortunately, my experience was the opposite. On many Sundays, I felt like a leper, which compounded my already worthless feelings. Because I was so traumatized and full of shame by my husband's infidelity, I ended up too terrified to go on Sundays. I would stay home and cry instead. Since the church did not know how to respond to a hurting spouse, they avoided the subject. I was left feeling ignored, rejected, and unsafe in church as a result of this. Even in my interactions with elders' wives, except for one, I received the same type of ill-treatment. The Church knows what to do if someone is given the devastating news of a disease or the death of a loved one. Yet, with someone in my situation, they run and hide. They are not taught what to do and I felt as though I was contagious.
Ideally, the Church should be a sanctuary of support and compassion. Unfortunately, many churches are ill-equipped to handle their complexities. Instead of receiving understanding and help, they face judgment, shame, and condemnation.
Case in point, my first encounter with church discipline came at the age of 16 when I was shamed for being pregnant. I wasn’t allowed to serve in my church for 2 years and was kicked out of my Christian school. I lost my friends and my social life, and I felt I had committed the ultimate, unforgivable sin. I carried this shame into my marriage and my parenting. The shame imposed by the church haunted me for decades. Years later, my husband’s addiction led to church discipline that devastated our family, adding layer upon layer of trauma. Despite his efforts to seek help and recovery, the church’s response was to expel him and to share publicly intimate details of our struggles without our consent, which then reinforced feelings of unworthiness. It was devastating to watch my husband go through this, and I hurt for myself and my children, too. Not only was my family crumbling, but now we felt rejected by our church family. I was hit with the betrayal of my husband’s infidelity and now the public shame and alienation of his church discipline.
What churches must understand is the profound impact of trauma and how to support those affected. If they truly want to help, they must acknowledge that it's not our fault, offer proactive things (meals, gift cards, errands), and provide emotional support (hugs, sitting with us, sending cards).
Please, please avoid unsolicited advice; instead, listen with compassion. Assist with practical needs (groceries, house cleaning, driving kids), and help with therapy costs, and ensure that we feel safe and not judged.
What about church discipline? Isn’t that a biblical practice? Yes, but its aim should always be restoration and healing, not condemnation and shame. Voting someone out without understanding their struggles or offering genuine support exacerbates their trauma and alienates them from the very community meant to exemplify the love of Christ. This also creates a psychologically and emotionally unsafe environment that traps the addict in a traumatizing environment at the moment they most need love and safety with a community that protects their dignity and believes in God's healing power.
Public shaming and informing those who do not have the right to know and who will not help promote the keeping of secrets. Why would anyone trapped in addiction ever come forth for the church to help if they knew the church would do this? To force an addict who is struggling to quit their pattern of sin in front of a church while the pastor shares private details of the sin they committed is humiliating.
Having my life destroyed by betrayal made my husband unsafe to me. But in a way, it was worse to discover that the pastors and elders in the church were dangerous. I found myself questioning if God was safe. Yet this is where God met me.
Even with the immense and thorny challenges, there is hope. My husband and I have experienced profound healing through God's grace. Our journey through addiction, trauma, and even the brink of divorce has led to renewed faith and an even stronger marriage. God’s power is transformative, He is capable of reaching anyone, no matter how deep their pain or shame. Addiction and betrayal trauma do not have to define or destroy us.
The Church can be a beacon of this hope, but only if it embraces the calling to be the feet of Jesus supporting people in their darkest hour. And for that to happen, public shaming under the guise of church discipline must stop. It is not an act of love, and it grieves the heart of God.
Kendra Lee is a betrayal recovery coach, author of Healing Steps, homeschooling mom of five children, Ironman triathlete, and certified personal trainer. She can be reached at coachkendralee@gmail.com.
