'Love is not loved!' A Christmas wish for the lovelorn

By David Kyle Foster, CP Guest Contributor Sunday, December 23, 2018

When it comes to “love,” the world doesn’t have a clue. When I was a teenager, I saw a movie called “Love Story” that trumpeted the line: “Love is never having to say you’re sorry.” Even then, I knew that that was the dumbest thing I’d ever heard. It was a placard for a culture that was starving for, yet bereft of love.

The story is told of St. Francis of Assisi roaming through a town, pounding on doors, proclaiming, “Love is not loved!” So, who is the love that is not loved?

1 John 4:16 says, “God is love!”

Get Our Latest News for FREE

Subscribe to get daily/weekly email with the top stories (plus special offers!) from The Christian Post. Be the first to know.

Subscribe

The World’s Version of Love

Jesus warned in Matthew 24:12 that in the last days, the love of most would grow cold because of the increase of wickedness. And in Matthew 7:21-23, He cautioned that many in the church who prophesy, drive out demons, and perform miracles in His name will be lost because they never really knew Him - even while professing to know and love Him.

And so, in the absence of taught, communicated, and demonstrated love, we too often settle for false versions. For example……

• Love as Romance

Without the real thing, we imagine love to be romantic notions that tap into deep inner desires. See if you can find such notions in some of the most beloved songs from the theater….

“Maria, I just met a girl named Maria. And suddenly that name, will never be the same to me. Maria, I just kissed a girl named Maria . . . . . say it loud and there’s music playing, say it soft and it’s almost like praying……” (West Side Story)

“My white knight, not a Lancelot, nor an angel with wings. Just someone to hold me, who is not ashamed of a few nice things. . . . .” (The Music Man)

“Some enchanted evening, you may see a stranger….across a crowded room, and somehow you know…..Some enchanted evening, when you find your true love…..” (South Pacific)

“I have often walked down the street before, but the pavement always stayed beneath my feet before. All at once am I, several stories high, being just on the street where you live…… And oh, the towering feeling, just to know, somehow you are near - the overpowering feeling, that any second you may suddenly appear…..” (My Fair Lady)

“Shall we dance? On a bright cloud of music, shall we fly?….. Or perchance when the last little star has left the sky. Shall we still be together with our arms around each other and shall you be my new romance?......” (South Pacific)

Though nothing is wrong with having romantic feelings and singing romantic songs, if that is our entire definition or experience of love, (and it is for many a lonely soul), then it is not love at all. In fact, for some, such songs produce a sorrowful and obsessive dwelling on the love they’ve longed for but never had.

• Love as Performance

For those who see love as a performance, it becomes for them an affection that comes and goes depending on whether they’re being given what they want by the other person. This kind of false love is epidemic in our world and needs to be exposed as the deception that it is (see the chapter “Living by Grace Rather Than Performance Orientation” in my new book, Sexual Healing Reference Edition).

• Love as Sexual Desire (which is often kept alive by youth or beauty)

For those who stray from God’s purpose for sexuality, (see the chapter “The Divine Intent for Sexuality” in the Sexual Healing Reference Edition), sex-based love is a form of idolatry, as described in Ephesians 5:5 - “No immoral, impure or greedy person – such a man is an idolater – has any inheritance in the kingdom of Christ and of God.” (See also Colossians 3:5 and Ezekiel 23:49).

For many, sexual desire for one’s spouse fades with age, which can easily lead to divorce, adultery, promiscuity, the use of pornography, sexual abuse and a host of other perverse behaviors.

These false versions of love are also used by activist groups who seek to promote immoral lifestyles. The homosexual proclaims, “Don’t tell me who I can love” - meaning, who I can have a romantic, performance-based and/or sexual relationship with. The adulterer, fornicator, child abuser, transgender person, porn user and others also use one or more of them to excuse their activities. (For more on these sorts of behaviors and how God can set people free from them, see “Part 2 - Specific Dysfunctions” of the Sexual Healing Reference Edition),

The Consequence of Living by the World’s Standards for Love

As a person lives by such false versions of love, (which always come up short), he or she can develop self-hatred, a fear of intimacy or an unspoken bitterness against God and others.

Eventually, when someone genuinely tries to love them, they cannot receive it, because of the embitterment and because of what they have expected love to be. In never having received real love, they often draw the conclusion that they are somehow unlovable - a belief that creates a wall that prevents people from even trying to love them. They end up living in loneliness and self-pity and go from one unreal, romantic trip to another through books, films, romantic ballads and worldly experiences. Or they settle for the illusion that sex is love and because it never satisfies their hunger for real love, end up trapped in an increasingly immoral lifestyle.

Such people never ground their definition of love in God, but choose instead to define it by the world’s standards, even if unwittingly. The truth is, in this fallen world, we will find true love only in relationship with God and only as God expresses His love through us.

Many years ago, I was an executive of a Christian radio network. Walking through the office one day, a secretary happened by. I didn’t know her and didn’t really care to know her. Suddenly, an unexpected love for her began pouring out of my heart. It was so intense that if I’d opened my mouth, I would have proclaimed an undying love for her. So I kept my mouth shut and kept walking. You see, I had never known nor experienced genuine love for another person, so this supernatural moment was both shockingly foreign and frightening. I knew that God was pouring His love for her through my heart, yet I didn’t know what to do with it. But the message was clear: Although I was incapable of producing such pure and perfect love, God could! And so I knew that in order to love anyone, I would have to seek and receive that capacity from Him. The difference between the world’s version of love and true love was now perfectly clear and it delighted me to know that God would enable me to love others, if I really wanted Him to.

Questions We Must Ask Ourselves About Our Love for God

Have we taken on the world’s definitions of love not only in relation to each other, but in our relationship with God as well? Have we lost our first love? Have we let it die from malnourishment?

Have we ever had a love for Jesus that elicits an appropriate response to His sacrifice on the Cross? Theologian Leon Morris has observed, “It’s the Cross that gives us a new understanding of what love is.” Reference also Christ’s admonitions to the churches in the Book of Revelation concerning the consequences of failing to truly love Him: 2:4-5, 14-16, 20; 3:1-3, 15-21.

Have we rejected His call to live a life of holiness, and therefore rejected who He is and what a relationship with Him is suppose to look like? Reference Jesus’ statements about the connection between loving Him and obeying Him in John 14:15, 21, 23-24 and the Apostle John’s similar statements in 1 John 2:3-6, 9-11, 15, 28; 3:6-10, 14, 24; 4:19-21; 5:2-5, 18-19.

The Bible’s Version of Love

Over and over again, the Scriptures tell us what loving God means. It warns us that unless we surrender our lives to the Prince of Love, Jesus Christ, those who live by the world’s definition of love will be shut out from the Kingdom of God.

According to the Bible, professed love is demonstrated and proven genuine thorough actions and deeds, not just words.

Note that in 1 John 3:18, the Apostle John says: ”love not with words or tongue, but with actions and in truth” – in other words, true love naturally produces actions that are consistent with its claim and appropriate to the good of it’s object.

That is why Jesus said three times in John 14 (vss 15,21,23): “If you love Me, you will keep My commandments” – in other words, “If your professed love for Me is real - not just some meaningless, romantic, emotional vapor - then it will naturally demonstrate itself in the trust, respect and sacrificial actions that bless Me.”

Genuine love demonstrates itself actively by the giving of self to the object of love. Parental love, for example, is genuine only as it demonstrates itself through the regular provision, protection, blessing, training and mentoring that a parent is responsible for giving their child. They should be imparting to their child, by word and deed, the goodness of who God created them to be. They should be imparting to them the words of life found in the Scriptures and introduce them to the Lord, who is Love. They should be sacrificing their own selves for the good of their child, even unto death if necessary.

What Does a Love for God Look Like?

The Apostle John wrote in 1 John 3:16 - ”This is how we know what love is: Jesus Christ laid down His life for us.” Love = Sacrifice

When you truly love someone, you are willing to sacrifice something of yourself, (time, money, personal rights and privileges, etc.), for their good - even your life if necessary.

1 John 4:10 - ”This is love ... that He loved us and sent His Son as an atoning sacrifice for our sins.” Once again…….Love = Sacrifice

Ephesians 5:2 – “Live a life of love just as Christ loved us and gave Himself up for us as a fragrant offering and sacrifice to God.” Love = Commitment & Sacrifice

Ephesians 5:25 - ”Christ loved the Church and gave Himself up for her, to make her holy.” Once again…….Love = Commitment & Sacrifice

It is clear that the biblical definition of love, not only for one another, but for God as well, is a commitment to their good and the natural fruit of sacrificial actions. The Source of Love, the Nature of Love, the Very Being of Love is God Himself

1 John 4:16b - ”God is love.” Love is not how He acts, but who He is. Therefore, you will only find true love where God is expressing His very being through someone. The world cannot do this because the world does not know God.

We have so diminished the word “love” in this culture that it has lost its meaning. One moment we’re proclaiming, “I love you!” and five minutes later shouting, “I love ice cream!!!” - often said with more passion.

Where evil is involved, where worldliness is involved, that which professes to be love is a deception, no matter how good it looks, no matter how good it feels. It is the product of Satan, who masquerades as an angel of light (2 Corinthians 11:14) in order to deceive us. For example…….

- God (love) is not involved when you are divorcing your wife for another woman!

- He (love) is not involved when you are romancing a homosexual lover!

- It is not God (love) who is meeting your need when you turn to pornography for comfort.

- The Creator of all that is seen and unseen (love) is not involved in any desire or behavior that contravenes the moral standards that He has carefully and clearly laid out in His Word, especially those that masquerade as love.

The deception behind false versions of love is that they pander to our feelings and emotions, as well as to our sinful nature, in order to entice and distract us from the sacrifice and commitment that real love demands - which is to forsake the flesh and the world in demonstration of true love for God and for each other.

Paul writes in Ephesians 5:25………

“Christ loved the Church and gave Himself up for her to make her holy, cleansing her by the washing with water through the Word, and to present her to Himself as a radiant Church, without stain or wrinkle or any other blemish, but holy and blameless.

The Capacity to Love is Communicated Through Christ

1 John 4:19 states, ”We love because He first loved us.” In other words, we develop the desire and ability to love by following the example of Jesus. His love then flows through us as we regularly seek Him to release it from within.

The capacity to love is on one level, a learned behavior. We see it and emulate it. It is imparted and received when we are born again and as we maintain an authentic relationship with God. And it is strengthened through a mature, grace-filled and self-sacrificing relationship with the world and the Christian community.

What Do You Do if You Haven’t Been Loved?

Upon learning what genuine love is, many will realize that they have never been truly loved by another human being. The good part of that discovery is that it propels us into the arms of the only One who can perfectly love us – God Himself. We needn’t miss out on love just because a fallen world has destroyed its true essence. The Savior and King of all the universe stands at the door, inviting us to join Him in His river of love (John 4:10, 13-14, 7:38; Rev 7:17, 22:17).

So, is love never having to say you’re sorry? To the contrary! For Adam’s race, the foundation and the learning of love only begins with saying you’re sorry. As we repent and surrender our lives to Jesus Christ as Lord and Savior, Love itself comes to live within us, calling us to live by love and enabling us to love according to His definition and His power.

In truth, our response to St. Francis of Assisi’s cry that “Love is not loved” must be to cling to the One who alone is Love. Theologian Emil Brunner once wrote, “God loves us not because of who we are, but because of who He is.” St. Augustine added, “God loves each one of us as though there’s only one of us to love.”

Here’s some sage advice for those who want to love and be loved……..

1. Pursue an intimate relationship with God so that you can directly experience His love for you. (Deuteronomy 4:29; Jeremiah 29:11-14; Acts 17:27-28)

2. Listen and hear God’s affirming voice - directly, in His Word, through His still small voice, (which usually comes during worship or prayer), and through His people, imperfect as their love will be.

3. Practice God’s definition of love - commitment & sacrifice - by believing God in everything He says, obeying God in everything He asks, remaining faithful no matter what the trial, and by serving God and others.

4. Forgive those who have hurt you, for that is the supreme act of love.

For many of us, it is a bully, an abuser, or even our own parents who seem impossible to forgive. This was my dilemma the night the Lord asked me to forgive my father. He was the man I most hated on this earth. So I said to the Lord: “You know I will say the words because You’ve asked me to, but You also know that I won’t mean them.” (The hurt had been so deep and had lasted so long.)

The Lord replied, “You are your father - literally (referring to his DNA). The hatred that you have for your father is what has generated the self-hatred that has plagued you all your life.” It was an awesome revelation, but it still didn’t enable me to forgive him.

So I replied, “I still can’t say the words and mean them, Lord.”

He continued, “Look up at Me!” And so I looked up and saw a vision of Him standing in heaven with His arms outstretched. Moving one of His hands, He said, “What do I have in My hand?” I don’t know how I knew, but I said, “You have forgiveness in your hands, Lord” to which He replied, “I can forgive your father. Why don’t you take forgiveness from Me and give it to your father?”

So I turned to my father (in the Spirit) and said, “Father, with the capacity that Jesus has to forgive you, I forgive you.” As I said those words, a current of forgiveness poured out of the heart of Jesus, into my heart and out into my father’s heart. In that moment, Christ had done the impossible and I was set free from the sin and bondage of unforgiveness.

And what was the outcome? The acid that used to rise up on the inside of me at the very thought of my father vanished and has never returned. The self-hatred that used to dominate my every thought and action began a rapid slide into oblivion. Over time, as the Lord revealed my father in a new light, he went from being the man I most hated, to the man I most loved.

Jesus is love! And He will do for us what we cannot do for ourselves, not only in salvation, but in sanctification as well. Turn to Him now and let Him do a miraculous work in you, too. Let Love be Loved, not only in your heart, but in your actions as well. What a glorious Lord we serve! Hallelujah!