'Trans widows' desperately need the Church's help
Amid the rising tide of people arguing for transgender rights, may I draw your attention to the fallout in a little-discussed dimension of this troubling space? I’m speaking of the heartbroken and betrayed spouses and children, who are sometimes called “trans widows” and “trans orphans.”
Would you consider listening to the ripples, repercussions and recoil of a wife as she watches her husband fight a war against the family but mostly against himself as he drugs and surgically maims his physical body, all in pursuit of a lie? There is truly no suffering quite like it. Might you consider how the Pride flag sets off triggers for a group of people adversely affected by this body-morphing segment of our population?
Allow me to explain what it’s like.
Though it may surprise you, this trans phenomenon is happening to married women and children of all ages, wives of many religious persuasions and socio-economic levels, yes, including even the Boomer generation. We have had to find each other online because that is the only place to be supported in this painful journey. It is my view that we, as trans widows, are the least heard from group in this milieu of people who, like the de-transitioners and their families, have had their lives forever upended by gender ideology.
Local organizations and churches have divorce care and drug addiction recovery programs, but support for a trans family/widow is rare. But the need is great and, unfortunately, growing. The Church, as a whole, does not know what to do with us and this topic is still not addressed much though we are thankful to a few ministry organizations like Help4Families that produce materials, offer support, and walk with us in our time of uniquely terrible grief, unimaginable loss, fiery trials and brokenness. Yet we are often reluctant to speak out socially because of the cultural gaslighting and the leftward flow of the woke agenda that now pervades so much of society. This even disrupts our immediate family relationships, and we are targeted by extended family, which takes sides.
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Most of us don’t even like being called trans widows and we shy away from the label because we prefer not to be seen as victims. We have personally seen the mental health issues, trauma, PTSD, family dynamics, emotional turmoil and relational co-dependency mixed up in this mess when trans invades our homes. I lived it for 31 years and do not wish it on my worst enemy. I am not sure who was the rat in the laboratory. I think both my former husband and I were part of the grand experiment. Trans medical hormone “treatments” and surgeries didn’t work, and they still do not work.
In warning others about the rocky road to ruin when trans comes on the scene in a marriage, I’ll tell you that it shatters families and society at large. Families are the fundamental unit of society, charged with producing the next generation of stable citizens who can think clearly and act accordingly. But transgenderism ruptures all of this. I had children with a man before he underwent trans surgery so I will likely inherit grandchildren from my kids. But with the explosion of transgenderism among youth there are many today in Generation Z who will never see their offspring because their bodies have been disfigured and sterilized. Sometimes we trans widows talk about that together and we mourn because it is one of the happy spots of life, being a grandparent and seeing grandchildren. But these youngsters will never know that joy.
Those of us who are Christians walking the path of trans widowhood face another kind of spiritual anguish — an irreparably broken covenant. I knew exactly what it meant to enter into a biblically rooted marriage — the study of our vows, a God-honoring covenantal relationship, and what life with one’s spouse was supposed to be like together. I entered this relationship with my former husband willingly and with my eyes wide open, but I struggled for years with the concept of divorcing him because that commitment was very important to me. In a Christian marriage, your body is not your own, it is bought with a price, and is considered the temple of the Holy Spirit (1 Corinthians 6:19-20). Moreover, marriage is a picture of Christ and the Church, so this made stepping out of that dysfunctional relationship extremely difficult. A broken covenant is not something I ever wanted, and when it’s broken, we experience another layer of searing pain.
Many trans widows like me also watch in horror as we observe family courts that do not consider the position of small children who are forced to deal with the loss of a parent when dad goes trans. Children are, quite appallingly, asked to adjust more than the trans-identified parent in these court cases, particularly regarding visitation rights and with the use of his preferred language and pronouns. We ask ourselves: what sane society values the welfare of a deeply unwell parent over an innocent child?
While the masses inhale the air of the pink and blue rainbow brigade, especially during the month of June, we, as a small misunderstood community of Christian trans widows, do our best to remember the words Romans 8:28: “And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.”
To put it mildly, the working out of “all things” does not look so good for some of us, but the answer comes in the next verse: We are being conformed into his image, the image of Christ in this extremely difficult process.
Our marriages might have been crushed by a diabolical force, a vain fetish, a lie that is impossible to accept — that our husbands are somehow women. But the Bridegroom, Jesus Christ, is always faithful to us and it is to Him we cling in the midst of our turmoil.
* The Christian Post is publishing this op-ed under a pseudonym given the sensitive subject matter and to protect the identity, (which we have verified), of the author.
Esther came to Christ as a young adult and never looked back. She married a fellow believer and raised children all while balancing a teaching career in the arts. She loves to travel as well as play with dirt, both the pottery and garden variety. Her pottery studio teaches many life lessons she willingly passes on to her students and friends.
