Beware the narcissist friend: How to spot manipulation
“Did you notice how I outperformed everyone at work last week?” Alex boasted, radiating an air of self-importance. “If they don't recognize my value to the company, I might just move on and find a job that will give me more recognition.”
Jake squirmed in his seat. Although he had shared his own stories in the past, he felt constantly overshadowed by Alex's incessant need for approval. “Uh, yeah ... that's cool,” Jake responded cautiously, realizing that expressing his own thoughts would only fuel Alex's self-absorbed monologues.
While Alex continued emphasizing his own accomplishments without acknowledging Jake’s contributions, there was a noticeable tension in the air, suggesting a potential manipulation disguised as friendship.
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It's common to find yourself in a situation where a “friend” monopolizes the conversation and takes all the attention, leaving you feeling undervalued or unimportant.
If you feel your relationships are one-sided and draining, it might be beneficial to take a step back and consider their personal and relational impact on you.
In this article, I am going to help you identify a narcissist and their behaviors, understand how they impact your interactions, and, most importantly, share ways to biblically confront and set boundaries with the narcissists in your life, all while maintaining love and grace.
Definition of a narcissist
A narcissist is someone who has an excessive sense of self-importance and pride, constantly seeks admiration, and lacks empathy towards others.
A narcissist only sees things from their own perspective, believing they are more important than anyone else and constantly expecting special treatment.
The term “narcissism” originates from the Greek myth of Narcissus, who fell in love with his own reflection, aptly symbolizing the self-centered nature of a narcissist.
People who are narcissistic often come across as charming and affectionate, but they use these qualities to control and dominate others. They make their targets believe that the relationship has potential and that they can keep the narcissist happy by meeting certain expectations. However, it's crucial to realize that the narcissist's kindness is usually just temporary and is used to manipulate their targets to get what they want from them.
Key tactics a narcissist will use
Kris Reece, a professional counselor, outlines seven tactics used by narcissists to manipulate and control you.
1. Invalidation: Narcissists are very good at making you doubt yourself by ignoring your thoughts and feelings. They want you to feel unimportant so that you rely on them to feel worthy. This way, they can control you and make you depend on their opinions for your self-esteem.
2. Emotional blackmail: Also known as “FOG” (Fear, Obligation, and Guilt), is a harmful tactic often used by narcissists. It involves making someone feel afraid of losing approval, obligated to meet demands, or guilty for their own emotions and actions. This manipulation keeps the person trapped, constantly trying to please the manipulator.
3. Stonewalling and silent rage: Narcissists may hurt their victims by not talking to them, not showing affection, or ignoring them. They might ignore the victim for a short time or for many months, depending on how much control they want. This makes the victim feel worried and very eager to make things peaceful again, even if it's not good for their own feelings.
4. Love bombing: In the beginning of a relationship, a narcissist might shower you with attention, affection, and grand gestures to make you feel special. However, this phase doesn't last long. Once the narcissist has gained your emotional dependence, they quickly switch to criticizing, manipulating, and devaluing you.
5. Triangulation: Narcissists are very good at making people turn against each other. They do this by bringing a third person into the relationship, whether it's real or not, to make others feel jealous, insecure, and competitive. This makes the victim always seek the approval of the narcissist, while the narcissist enjoys the drama and chaos.
6. Gaslighting: A type of manipulation that makes the victim question their reality. Narcissists deny, distort, or twist facts to make you doubt your memories and perceptions. This can erode your self-confidence over time and make you rely on the narcissist to define your reality.
7. Pity plays: Narcissistic people sometimes pretend to be victims to get sympathy and avoid facing their own mistakes. They might make their problems seem worse than they really are or even completely invent them to make you feel like you have to help them. This can make it tough for you to set limits or say no to them.
Protecting yourself from a narcissist
Now that you understand what a narcissist is and the tactics they use to control relationships, let's talk about how you can protect yourself from narcissistic abuse and take care of your well-being.
1. Pray for them: When facing a manipulative person, ask God to help you see the manipulative tactics and give you the strength to stand firm. “If any of you lacks wisdom, let him ask of God, who gives to all liberally and without reproach, and it will be given to him” (James 1:5).
2. Be less trusting and empathetic: Narcissists exploit your ability to understand and forgive, knowing that you will continue to justify their bad actions. They may even use your empathy against you by bringing up their difficult past or hardships, making you feel guilty for expecting them to take responsibility for their actions.
3. Don’t take things personally. Remember, when dealing with a narcissist, don't let their manipulative tactics get to you. They may try to blame, joke, or criticize you, but don't give in. They want to see that they are getting to you, so stay strong and don't show them that they are affecting you.
4. Set reasonable boundaries without compromise: Setting boundaries helps protect your emotional, spiritual, and physical well-being. Clearly communicate your limits and stick to them. According to Matthew 18:15-17, when someone won't change their ways after being corrected, it's suitable to keep your distance.
5. Stay grounded in your faith and support system: When things are tough, reading the Bible can give you strength, wisdom, and comfort. You can also turn to trusted friends, family, or people at your church for help.
Dealing with individuals exhibiting narcissistic tendencies can be quite challenging. It is crucial to remain steadfast in your faith, rely on your judgment, stand firm in setting and enforcing boundaries, and seek guidance from trustworthy friends. By consistently implementing these biblical principles in your life, you will experience more peace and reduced stress, fostering personal growth and maintaining more meaningful relationships.
Jason Jimenez is the founder and president of Stand Strong Ministries and is a respected Christian-worldview speaker, and faculty member at Summit Ministries. He is the best-selling author of Hijacking Jesus: How Progressive Christians Are Remaking Him and Taking Over the Church, Challenging Conversations: A Practical Guide to Discuss Controversial Topics in the Church, and Parenting Gen Z: Guiding Your Child through a Hostile Culture.
