Coronavirus attacks both budgets, bodies: Helping couples face the fear of financial fallout
As the coronavirus spreads across America, it is closely followed by economic fallout[1]. Symptoms of Covid19 include stock markets in freefall, plummeting tourism revenues, and talk of rolling recession[2]. Fear of financial fallout is top of mind for millions of individuals, couples and families. I count myself among them.
My work involves extensive public speaking, and a wave of cancellations is impacting thousands of events. For example, I was to speak at an upcoming Harvard Law School luncheon, but now the campus is evacuating and transitioning to online classes. The coronavirus has dealt a heavy blow to restaurant servers and hospitality workers in Austin, Texas, who count on income generated by the (now cancelled) SXSW conference. As tens of thousands of churches close their doors and transition to online worship services, pastors worry that giving is declining just as need rises exponentially. Those with the greatest financial fears are the millions without paid sick leave; if they (or their children) get a cough, they must choose between protecting the public health and providing for their families.
How will Americans handle the financial stress created by the coronavirus pandemic? In particular, how can couples navigate the worry and uncertainty together, so their relationship grows stronger?
Our research shows[3] that the vast majority of American couples, 77 percent, can’t communicate about money without tension or avoidance. And that is in normal circumstances. With financial worries amped up right now, couples are even more likely to leave a money conversation feeling misunderstood or resentful. Many will avoid it altogether because they can’t get to the root of the disagreement. Which is exactly the point. The real issue isn’t money – it’s how money makes us feel.[4]
It can feel scary to start a conversation about money – especially now. My husband, Jeff, and I avoided money conversations like the plague for most of our marriage. It wasn’t until we began our latest research project around love and money that we discovered the root of the problem. We couldn’t talk about money because we didn’t understand (and thus couldn’t talk about!) our own deep fears, values and expectations around money. Now knowing the real issues, our relationship has grown deeper and vastly more authentic. We’re better prepared to walk through financial uncertainty and come out stronger.
We want the same for every other couple. We want to help you not just survive but come out of this crisis more “together” than ever. Here are our top five ‘Love & Money Health Tips’ distilled from our research:
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- Tip 1: Believe the best. When you are hurt or worried, it is easy to believe the worst about your partner’s intentions. (“You knew how much that lunch was going to cost; you just don’t care how hard I have to work to pay for everything!”) But this attitude leads to a damaging cycle. Instead, begin the conversation believing the best, trusting that your spouse cares. (“I know you got stuck in a difficult situation; let’s talk about how we pay for this.”)
- Tip 2: Learn to listen. The greater the worry level, the greater the need to listenin the way your partner needs. Is your partner an “internal processor”? Give him or her time to process without pressure. Is your spouse a “verbal processor”? Let your mate talk about feelings and worries without trying to fix anything. Giving one another time and space to be heard can spark real understanding about what each of you values most.
- Tip 3: Understand their fears. Learn to recognize and honor your partner’s deep-seated fears around money, which are likely the root issue. Most couples have different fears and worries and different ways of handling those fears and worries. If you view spending as needed relief from money worries, you may find that your significant other manages money fears by saving every penny. Once you learn how your actions magnify each other’s money fears, you can address these core issues with fewer misunderstandings.
- Tip 4. Prepare a plan. You can eliminate a major source of money tension at home by simply creating an emergency cushion. Use the first three tips to explore your individual money fears and values, then come together to create a very specific action plan. For example, “We need a $1,500 emergency reserve. We have agreed that I will take two overtime shifts each week, and you will take your lunch every day instead of eating out.”
- Tip 5. Fight for unity. Your greatest weapon against money tension is being able to talk about moneyas a team. Especially if you’re married, set aside the tendency toward “you” and “me” in conversations (“Well, your income went down but mine didn’t, and I still want to go out to eat.”) Resolve to become “we” and have one another’s back.
This current public health crisis may have you huddled together at home, but money concerns around coronavirus need not lead to a relationship crisis. You can emerge from this challenging season with a healthier and stronger relationship than ever before.
[1] https://www.cnn.com/2020/03/10/perspectives/economy-recession-coronavirus/index.html
[2] https://www.forbes.com/sites/billconerly/2020/03/10/rolling-recessions-are-the-likely-economic-impact-of-new-coronavirus-and-covid-19/#512217721320
[3] Jeff & Shaunti Feldhahn, Thriving in Love & Money, (Minnesota, Bethany House Publishers), 45
[4] Ibid, 16
Shaunti Feldhahn earned her graduate degree at Harvard University and was a Wall Street analyst before becoming a best-selling author and social researcher. Shaunti’s books, often co-authored with her husband Jeff, have sold 3 million copies in 25 languages. Their latest is Thriving in Love & Money: 5 Game-Changing Insights about Your Relationship, Your Money, and Yourself. Shaunti’s research has been featured in outlets such as The Today Show, The New York Times, Focus on the Family and Cosmopolitan.
