Kissing dating myths goodbye: Leading a healthy dating culture

By Jackie Dorman, Op-ed contributor Sunday, December 22, 2024

Let’s have an honest chat, leaders: We’ve got a generation of Christians who feel like they’ve been ghosted by God when it comes to their love lives. Millennials and older Gen Z-ers who grew up in Joshua Harris’s I Kissed Dating Goodbye era know the drill; they were told to sit patiently in the divine waiting room, abstain from everything (even making eye contact with the opposite sex), and trust that God would deliver their future spouse like Amazon Prime. Spoiler alert: for many, that delivery never came.

Now, they’re out there at 35, scrolling Instagram, wondering, “Where’s the spouse I was promised for being faithful?” The truth is that God is not ghosting them. But the framework (or lack thereof) we handed them for dating might’ve made it feel that way.

Let me tell you about one of my clients, a 40-year-old virgin who hadn’t even been on a first date until she was 29 years old. She spent most of her twenties waiting for her “God-ordained spouse” to show up, just like she was taught. By the time she finally started dating, she felt completely lost—overwhelmed by the entire process and convinced she was “too far behind” to catch up.

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This isn’t an isolated story. I’ve heard it over and over in my work as a matchmaker who specializes in helping people of faith be successful in their relationship journey. Purity culture didn’t just tell people to save sex for marriage — it basically told them to save everything. Flirting? Scandalous. Dating apps? Dangerous. Talking to that cute girl/guy in Bible study? Probably a sin. And so, they sat. And waited. And waited.

For some, this “waiting” turned into a spiritualized version of avoidant attachment. You know that thing where you’re low-key scared of relationships because purity culture convinced you that dating someone who isn’t “the one” might ruin your life (and God’s plan) forever. Instead of stepping out in faith, they became pros at over-spiritualizing every crush, convinced that liking the wrong person would trigger a ripple effect that would destroy their entire destiny. Many of the single women (and men) I see were left frustrated, heartbroken, and totally unprepared for the realities of modern relationships.

The stories I hear every day are examples of how purity culture's "sit and wait" narrative has left singles feeling unprepared for modern relationships. But the good news is, we can rewrite this story together.

Dear Church: Let’s change the narrative

Leaders with churches, universities, and Christian institutions have an opportunity to rewrite the narrative and equip singles with tools to navigate love faithfully. The temptation is often to avoid addressing dating altogether or to create rigid, one-size-fits-all rules like those in I Kissed Dating Goodbye. Neither approach works in today’s world.

Instead, let’s equip people with tools for healthy relationships — like how to communicate effectively, set boundaries, and navigate conflict. Let’s normalize dating as a space to grow emotionally and spiritually, not as a slippery slope to sin.

Most importantly, let’s stop turning relationship status into a measure of spiritual worth. God’s love for each person isn’t tied to their dating success, and their value doesn’t diminish because they are single.

Here are three ways leaders can help singles navigate dating in a way that’s life-giving:

1. Do the heart work
   Explore healing from emotional and spiritual wounds that might hold them back from healthy relationships. Healing from past heartbreaks, unhealthy family patterns, or identity struggles is critical for stepping into the love story that belongs to them. Doing what I call “the heart work” isn’t just for marriage — it’s part of our personal discipleship journey.
2. Break free from fear and dating myths
   Identify and reject false beliefs about relationships that don’t align with Scripture. For example, the idea that God will drop a spouse in their lap if they simply wait isn’t biblical — and there’s no hidden Proverbs Chapter 32 to suggest otherwise. Likewise, the fear of being proactive in dating doesn’t reflect God’s call to live with faith and courage.
3. Get out there!
   Faithful dating requires action. Encourage singles to take calculated risks, step out of their comfort zones, and build meaningful connections. This might look like developing hobbies, getting out of predictable routines, attending local events, or even hiring a coach. Remind them that prayer and action go hand in hand — while God writes the love story, they need to turn the pages.

Hope for singles

To the singles who feel burned by purity culture, I hear you. You were taught to wait, to fear, and to hide. If you feel stuck, frustrated, or like you’re “behind,” let me encourage you: it’s not too late. You’re not too far gone. And God isn’t holding out on you. 

You don’t have to stay in the waiting room. You don’t have to feel lost in a dating culture that’s passing you by. You can take steps to heal, to grow, and to step into the love story that’s been waiting for you all along.

In my work, I’ve seen people go from feeling hopeless to being fully alive in love — because they stopped waiting and started trusting God with their own steps. Whether you’re a 40-year-old virgin who’s never been on a second date or a 23-year-old just figuring out how to have a conversation with the opposite sex, there’s hope for you. God is inviting you to stop sitting on the sidelines and start writing your own love story. My hope is to see singles embrace dating in a way that honors God while living free from fear, passivity, or shame.

The way forward

Leaders, the stakes are too high to stay silent. Millennials are the most single generation in history, and many of them are carrying the relational wounds of purity culture. If we don’t step up and offer guidance, they’ll look elsewhere — and we all know the modern culture’s advice isn’t exactly aligned with Scripture. By equipping singles to do the heart work, let go of old mindsets, and take purposeful steps forward, we can help them find the love God has always desired for them.

Let’s make singles in our environments feel seen, valued, and empowered. God’s not holding them back. But maybe He’s waiting on us to help them move forward.