Responding well to loneliness – especially now
In recent years, there has been a heightened awareness to a pervasive sense of loneliness in our time, and especially so among younger people. It is a paradoxical sort of loneliness, because research indicates that even though ubiquitous social media connection, globalization and affordable travel have given people more opportunity for connection than ever before, they feel less connected and more lonely than ever before. It is as if many are languishing in the feeling of being connected without actually being connected. How is it that we can be isolated when we have so many resources designed to keep us from being isolated?
In 2016, Dr. Dhruv Khullar wrote a New York Times article titled “How Social Isolation Is Killing Us”. He notes how reported loneliness has doubled within the last forty years. Similarly, in 2017, before “epidemic” became such a part of our daily parlance, a Washington Post article cited a previous Surgeon General as saying that there was a “loneliness epidemic”. And in the wake of the current global crisis and shutdown of businesses and gatherings, mandated orders to shelter in place, and the ever-present language of “social distancing”, many of us are confronted with a sense of loneliness that we have never had to address in this way.
In a time like this, we have a choice about how we will respond to loneliness, and there are good and bad responses. It seems like a bad response to inundate yourself with screens, whether that is through shows, movies, video games, unending news updates, or social media. These things are not negative in and of themselves, but to turn to a screen does little to ameliorate loneliness and may worsen it. Unless screen time is spent connecting with others (on a video call, for example), a staring at a screen for hours will not solve much. Especially in these times, where we are at the mercy of widespread fear and panic that is fed by the news media, less screen time could be a gift.
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Another bad response to loneliness is to underestimate its dangers. Many temptations come in full force as a result of loneliness. As a counselor I have seen this. Many who fight against persistent addictions often return to their addiction when they are lonely. When we’re lonely, we want to be comforted. Many things that promise comfort but never deliver it will call us when we’re lonely. One of the most common sins people go to in times of loneliness is pornography. Many want to believe otherwise, but pornography will never do away with loneliness. It will make it worse.
So what are good uses of loneliness? And in this particular moment, how can we use our free time? First, in whatever way possible, reach out to others (even for small things). If you are feeling lonely, you are not the only one. We often believe that others do not want to be bothered or are too busy, but if you are feeling lonely, chances are good that someone you know is feeling that way. And you can always reach out to them through phone, video, or a message of some kind. And when you connect with someone, do not connect with them by complaining. Try rather to connect with someone over positive things.
Second, for those that find themselves lonely because of having more free time, consider doing what you always have said you would do if you had more time. Have you wanted to write more, read more, eat healthier, redecorate your home, learn to play an instrument, or learn to cook? Take concrete, practical steps forward to structure your time and put those plans into action. Additionally, for those with more free time than usual, truly make an effort to practice the great spiritual discipline of rest. There is much talk of using our free time to accomplish great things and be intensely productive, but what sort of testimony might it be if you emerged from this time more rested and spiritually invigorated than when it began? Far better than constant productivity is the peace that comes from being rested, and a slower pace of life can teach us to connect with God in ways that we previously had not.
Lastly, practice thinking differently about the experience of being alone. Much of desperation we feel in times of loneliness begins in our thoughts. To be isolated is not good, but there is indeed a great benefit in solitude rightly used. Can you be alone with yourself? Not because you don’t want to be around others, but because you are able to be at peace with who you are when there are not constant noise and distractions? If not, now would be an excellent time to do the work of answering those questions.
The gospel of Jesus Christ is good news for the lonely. And that isn’t a cliché answer. Jesus understands what it is to feel lonely, wants to meet you in your loneliness, and shape you through it. Jesus is a friend to the lonely, and always available for you to call on him. Psalm 68:6 tells us that God “sets the lonely in families”. His heart is not that you would have countless superficial connections, but that you would feel a sense of belonging. This is a great benefit of the church as the community of believers (whether they can gather or not).
In these unprecedented times, be sure to stop, be mindful and recognize the moment and how you may look back on it when it is over. How might you connect with God in this time? How might you foster positivity and set your mind on the right things? How might you connect with others in this time, despite the barriers? Responding well to loneliness entails a perspective that is not just in agony waiting for it to be over, but it entails a maturity that prepares for what might be cultivated during this time and how you can emerge from it when it ends. Plan for how you plan to do live differently after this season. How might you intentionally work against what contributes to loneliness?
During this time, many of us yearn for when things will go “back to normal”. Let loneliness teach you how important community is so that when this is over, things don’t go “back to normal”. As research has shown, what is “normal” is a sense of rampant loneliness and isolation. Perhaps God is calling us not to go back to the way things were, but to learn to connect with others in ways that we never have before.
William Bowes is a Mental Health Counselor in Boston, Massachusetts and a graduate of Gordon Conwell Theological Seminary.
