Why 'You can be whoever you want to be' is not helpful
In my many years of working with teens, the second joy I had in addition to seeing them come to Christ was helping each one discover their God-given gifts and talents. I have since learned that an astonishing number of people are very frustrated and angry with their jobs or careers because a family member or guidance counselor launched them out on a path for which they had no natural gifting. That is why I cringe whenever I hear someone tell a child; “You can be whoever you want to be!” To young Christians I say, “You can be whoever God has created you to be.” I say to teens who are unbelievers, “You can be successful if you work hard using your natural gifts.” I believe that the pandemic is magnifying our teenagers’ perception of accomplishing unrealistic dreams and is one of the causes of the current epidemic of teen depression in our nation. When well-meaning adults tell teens, "You can be whoever you want to be," but that dream does not happen, youths lose hope, become depressed and even suicidal.
I began to discover as I worked with teens an interesting fact about them. I saw that each one had been born with a God-given talent. I could tell that different kids’ gifts were in different stages of development. There were always a few whose gift was so hard to see that I had to tell them honestly that they were “growing into their gift” and would discover it as they got older. Adolescents are usually gifted in one of three areas: artistically, athletically, or intellectually. Some are wonderfully gifted in more than one area, but I always encourage parents and youth workers to start by looking for one of these three. As I got to know them, I looked for signs indicating which category they fit within.
The “artsy” kids are not hard to find. They are almost always carrying a tablet and they typically love to draw, write, or take photographs. I would often direct these students toward teaching, which is a really good day job to provide their needs while they pursue their artistic goals. Teens frequently pick on intellectually gifted kids, calling them “brain-iacs.” They are your straight “A” students or are the kids who are so intelligent that school is boring for them. They definitely should be encouraged to work toward a professional career. The third category, which are the athletically gifted students, are the easiest ones to spot. They are the ones who win all the youth group sports competitions. They probably are on at least one sports team at their school. I usually encourage these young people to pursue a career or trade that involves physical activity, which will help them use a lot of their built-up energy.
There was one teenager that I painfully watched over a period of a few years who was a very good basketball player and was told repeatedly by his mother that he was going to be in the NBA. She would say things like, “You are going to someday buy me a mansion and a new car.” She was serious! The truth is out of the mere three percent of all high school players who ever make a college roster, only 1.2 percent will ever go on to play in the NBA. This mother, although well meaning, was creating a false dream for her son. Unfortunately, many teens struggle because of the wrong expectations of their parents, counselor, or from Hollywood fantasy.
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In a similar situation occurring at about the same time, my son was also playing varsity basketball in a different city. He was a boy every parent should have the delight of raising. He was my gift from God. He never gave me any trouble and was an excellent student and an outstanding basketball player all through high school. In his senior year he reached the 1000-point mark and he was team captain. Just like my dad did for me, unless bad weather kept me from being there, I never missed a game.
In his junior year he was talking about playing professional basketball. I thought it was a phase that would go away, but it became a central focus of his life more and more. One day, I knew what I had to do. I sat him down and as lovingly as I could, I looked him right in the eyes and told him, “Son, you will never be an NBA basketball player.” Tears filled his eyes as he immediately stood up and said angrily, “Dad, why would you tell me that?” I responded, “Son, because I love you enough to tell you the truth.” Having interviewed former NBA and NFL players for my syndicated radio broadcast, I told him I knew what the chances were that he would ever make it to the NBA. Today my son is an Army Ranger and a Captain in a division of the US Army. He made realistic goals and refocused his dream.
Helping a young person to identify their gifts is almost always received very positively by them because today so many struggle with self-esteem and personal worth. Pointing out their gifts and encouraging them to excel in those areas will be like sunshine on a rainy day to them. As we think about our pandemic and the teens that need help, consider becoming a volunteer at your local school or church youth group. Let the love of Christ touch a teenager today.
Rev Nolan J Harkness is the President and CEO of Nolan Harkness Evangelistic Ministries Inc. since 1985. He spent most of his adult life working in youth ministry. He also felt the calling of Evangelist/Revivalist and traveled as the door was open holding evangelistic meetings in churches throughout the Northeast. His website is www.verticalsound.org.
